grimreaper86

I don't really sleep anymore. At least not if I can ever help it. Perhaps I simply hate myself because truth be told I find a lot of relief in sleep. They say to sleep is the closest natural state to death without dieing for people so that those that like to sleep like to feel dead more often. If that is the case then perhaps death gives me something to look forward to as sleeping is the only time all my problems and concerns don't really matter. I sleep, I dream, and when I wake up I go back to the life I'm so accustomed to. A routine of appointments and schedules all inevitably leading me back to my apartment by myself and my cat with no one else. Not that I would let myself die and in fact perhaps that is why I actually don't sleep much is because some part of me hopes that if I'm awake longer I'll find that someone or that someone will find me and I can feel happier. Really I don't know why I'm whining so fucking much anyway though. Part of me is unbelievably lonely wanting some deep relationship with a special woman that makes me feel gratified. It's not necessary to be happy though is it? I mean my life isn't so bad. I live just fine with almost anything I could ever want and I keep myself entertained. I don't really dislike myself...for the most part. In fact I think I'm a pretty cool person with good friends.

On the other hand, I don't know, I guess I feel like somethings missing and nothing in my life will ever be as good as it could be without that special someone. Perhaps I'm over dramatic. I'm not emo. I don't want to kill myself (nor do I cut myself) and I don't cry constantly or something or sit and be sad all day. In fact part of the reason I even write these words is to vent feelings in what I would assume is the most health way. I am so weary of being alone. I've stopped searching for a soul mate after being told countless times one would find me if I just stopped looking. I would invariably hope that the woman whose supposed to find me would get a move on. My heart grows impatient and my soul mourns the loss of what it knows is lingering in the shadows. Lol, anyone who reads this probably thinks I'm emo as fuck.....hell me reading it is beginning to make me think so. Oh well, what do I care what the internet thinks, it will happily be wrong in order to justify things it doesn't understand. I must get back to doing homework though and so I'll stop my rambling and bid the majority of you a good nights rest and a happy false death. I hope you dream and dream well.