grimjack

I'll let singer/songwriter Kate Bush put into perspective how Im doing right now:

Song of Soloman



The Song of Solomon
The song of everyone
Who walks the path
Of the solitary heart
The soul cries out
Hear a woman singing

Don't want your bullshit, yeah
Just want your sexuality
Don't want excuses, yeah
Write me your poetry in motion
Write it just for me, yeah
And sing it with a kiss

Mmm, just take any line
"Comfort me with apples
For I am sick of love
His left hand is under my head
And his right hand
Doth embrace me"
This is the Song of Solomon
Here's a woman singing

Don't want your bullshit, yeah
Just want your sexuality
Don't want your excuses, yeah
Write me your poetry in motion
Write it just for me, yeah
And sign it with a kiss

And I'll do it for you
I'll be the Rose of Sharon for you
I'll do it for you
I'll be the Lily of the Valley for you
I'll do it for you
I'll be Isolde or Marion for you
I'll do it for you
I'll come in a hurricane for you
I'll do it for you

Don't want your bullshit, yeah
Just want your sexuality

I'm not in a good mood. I havent been in a good mood for days. Everything seems so bleak. I can't get into my work, I cant get into my non-work...I can't seem to do a thing that needs to be done. Again, its me trying to pull out of this funk I've laid myself into. And I'm getting goddamn tired of it.

It's always something small as of late that throws me into this self-created maelstrom. God...obsessing over things, worrying about life, thinking about my -ex. Its bloody driving me nuts. I havent had a drink in almost three weeks, and that hasnt helped my demeanor. But at least I'm in control of that aspect of my life. My hair might be falling out, my love life is in shambles, and I'm 30 lbs overweight...but at least I can stop drinking when I need to...when I HAVE to. The 6 month bender I've been on can't have been a good thing, but its under control for the time being.

I guess I'm finished rambling for now. Tomorrow is a new day, blah blah blah. I know, I know...fucking cliches. I'm trying to look forward to the weekend, but its tough. She's stuck in my head, and I can't get her out. The problems are compounding...and I'm tired of trying to live through them.

Change is needed....desperately. But am I willing to do what it takes to stop my own self loathing, hatred, and masochistic ways? When the HELL will I stop reliving the moments in my past and instead try and focus on what the future has in store for me?

Maybe a drink wouldnt be such a bad thing at the moment. At least I would mellow out a bit...