This week's homework assignment is to tell about the scariest thing you've experienced. So, I gave it some thought and decided I might as well share. It's something I don't often talk about publicly (not because of shame or embarrassment or anything, only because it's so personal). I don't hide the fact that I've struggled with depression for more than half my life though, so I might as well share my story in the hopes that someone, somewhere takes something from it.
So, throughout my life I've put myself in some stupid, scary, shitty situations. I used to sell drugs. I used to do a lot of drugs. Needless to say I've associated with some real lowlifes. I've been robbed, I've had people pull guns on me, people follow me, etc. I've been in several scary situations. But honestly, nothing was so terrifying as when I attempted suicide. It was about seven years ago. I won't discuss the details of how and where and why I failed because 1) they aren't important anymore and 2) it wouldn't be appropriate at the moment. It wasn't the first attempt I had made but it was the first time I genuinely wanted to succeed. The scary thing is that I wasn't feeling particularly depressed at the time. I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset, there was no catalyst, I just... didn't care. I didn't care about my job, my family, myself, my life. I didn't care whether I lived or died. So I figured I might as well just do it. Why live if there's nothing to live for?
It goes without saying, I think, that I was unmedicated at the time. I was put on an antidepressant at 16 and have since been taking a mood stabilizer and an anti anxiety medication, too. But at the time, I was not taking anything, I was not in therapy, I felt no reason to go on. Thankfully, my oldest friend found out and she encouraged me to seek help. So I told my family. I told them everything. I ended up staying in a psychiatric hospital for some time. I was referred to a psychiatrist (whom I still see twice a month). In time we found the right combination of medications that's most helpful for me and I'm finally in a good place. The reason I had done so many drugs (and the reason I drank so much) is because I was self medicating. And that simply doesn't help. It actually makes things worse. I speak from experience. I've moved on from those things. I rarely drink and when I do, I don't do it excessively. I smoke weed from time to time in the privacy of my own home. I don't sell it and I don't buy anything else. Most importantly, I take my meds. And I am open and honest with my doctor about everything. Seriously, she knows more about me than I care to think about lol. And, you know, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm thankful every single day that I didn't succeed in committing suicide. Every day. When I write a blog post or a comment wishing you all a great day, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Yeah, it's unrealistic to think every single day will be amazing, but fuck it, why not try to be optimistic? I want you all to have a great day, I want you to smile and laugh and enjoy life. And I want myself to be able to do that too, because you know what? We fucking deserve to. Again, yeah it's cheesy, but it's true.
I've seen rock bottom. That day was my rock bottom. What I experienced that day, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. The anguish, the despair, the hopelessness, I don't want anyone to have to go through that. Depression can be scary enough (that's why I try as often as I can to remind people that it is treatable and manageable, hopefully it's not so scary when you know that) but that apathy, that complete lack of any feeling whatsoever... that was downright terrifying. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system in place now. I know who to turn to if I ever find myself in what I call "the bad place" again. Hopefully I never have to use that support system but it is such a tremendous comfort knowing it's there. It is a comfort every single day.
I'm sure that some (if not many) of you know what it's like. Depression is so common that undoubtedly someone is feeling or has felt something similar (if, that is, anyone actually reads this far lol). Mental health is so important to take care of, it really is. I know what it's like to be apathetic, I know what it's like to be depressed and anxious all the time and seriously, I promise you, you don't have to feel that way. If you even suspect it in yourself, I urge you to seek treatment. Or if you know someone who may be depressed, just let that person know you're there. Be there for her or him. Be their support system. And please, don't ever hesitate to send me a message if you wanna talk. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm just a dude who won't always know the right thing to say. But I'm gonna try, I can promise you that. I don't judge (I mean, who the fuck am I to judge anyone?!), I'll just listen. Sometimes that's all it takes.
And seriously, have a great fucking day, okay?
So there you go, homework assignment done. It's been a long one, for sure. Thank you for the topic. But more than that, thank you for this community of individuals you've created where we can talk about these things without fear. This is certainly the most intimate blog I've ever written and I feel more at ease talking about it here than anywhere else. So, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for that.
