it seems like i am only on here lately when I am sad. I don't know why this is exactly, maybe because I don't feel judged here. Maybe it is because no one knows who I am here. I have dealt with depression for a very long time and I am on meds, i dont really drink, never use drugs, I see someone every once and awhile but its not enough. I fear I am bipolar and as much as I can talk to my fiance I feel this scares her. Her ex went crazy, literally, and I'm not schizophrenic like he is, but I dont want to worry her too much.
Right now I am doing great at work, we are getting married in three months, ive lost a few pounds...and im fucking miserable. One of my all time best friends died recently and her birthday was yesterday and I spent most of it in tears. I applied for a job I am MORE than qualified and found out I won't be getting it and people that are less qualified and who actually got fired from another job we worked at together may be. I am trying to start positive and assume this is all happening for a reason but I feel like there is literally an empty pit in my chest. I feel hollow, alone, dark and forgotten. It is my day off tomorrow and my fiance wants to go out and do things and honestly i dont want to leave my bed. I just got hit with food poisoning and got sick at work but kept going. I'm cant remember the last day I missed but somehow its never good enough.
We have all these nice things planned but I feel no joy. I am trying to play my ps4, nothing, looking at porn, nothing, food, nothing. I tend to eat my feelings, hence the over weight, but I can getting no joy and lucky i'm too tired/dont want to see the outside world to go get ben and jerrys, They should just label those what they really had, 2lb pint, chocolate covered sadness, americon scheme. I love them but I mainly eat them when I am sad.
What is most annoying is I have no real reason i guess to be sad, well, I do since its a chemical imbalance and with my best friend dead and me not getting the job I want and my current job feels fairly soul sucking I cause I can be sad, but I just dont have time to be anything less than 100%.
FUCK
i need help