As soon as I found out that I was accepted to the Sobriety group, I realized that my profile has me holding a beer. I don't have an alcohol problem so out of respect I quickly changed my profile picture to something...anything...so I used Nirvana in a haste. I've been trying to do an update for the past two weeks, but I have so much on my mind that I tire myself out and forget or change moods and don't bother. Now watch, I'll do an update every day for a week and then stop for five..haha
Well, not a whole lot of good news. I went to the casino yesterday. I had the itch for a month now and these little lottery games didn't satisfy. Of course, there is no satisfaction that comes with this disease. More than anything though, I was just sooooooo bored. One thing I've learned as a result of all this therapy I've received the past few months is that when putting money in that slot machine, or having that beer, or sticking the needle in your arm, when that causes unmanagability in your life, you have a problem. That's what makes us addicts different: one is not enough. Some people can drink three beers every other Saturday, some people can spend only thirty bucks in a casino, some people can do a line of coke once a month and by doing it, they enjoy it, it does not create problems in their lives. You know, what pisses me off the most is that half the time I go and gamble, I always tell myself "only a hundred bucks" and it never pans out that way. It bothers me cause I KNOW I can't control myself. I've confessed hundreds of times that I can't control it, so why do I go and do it? Again, I have no bills to pay, have no kids to feed, and have no car to pay off so this episode didn't cost anyone anything, my bank account just shrunk.
I'm just very dissatisfied with the mental health progress I'm making because its very minimal if any. I don't feel a whole lot different than back in june when I popped all those pills. I will admit that I'm happier certain moments when family is around, but if I were back on my own.......I"d be dead.
Here is the biggest thing on my mind now though..the biggest 'crime' if you will. WHen I reflect on my past, I only seem to remember the good times. LIke, whaaaaaaaa? I don't want to live in the past, but I don't ever want to forget it. I just don't seem to remember how miserable I was all the time, not knowing what or if I'd eat one day, and rolling the tobacco out of cigarette butts to make new cigarettes, who could I borrow ten bucks from. God that was so fucking bad! Emotionally, I seem to draw a blank on those things, and I know they happened. Maybe this means that I feel better about my life and therefore, I don't think about all those horrible moments that dominated my life...other than that, I have no explanation for this.
I dunno, I still feel that I have a lot to unload but I feel that there's nothing else left to say. I'm gonna check out some nekkid pics now of all the beautiful women here
Well, not a whole lot of good news. I went to the casino yesterday. I had the itch for a month now and these little lottery games didn't satisfy. Of course, there is no satisfaction that comes with this disease. More than anything though, I was just sooooooo bored. One thing I've learned as a result of all this therapy I've received the past few months is that when putting money in that slot machine, or having that beer, or sticking the needle in your arm, when that causes unmanagability in your life, you have a problem. That's what makes us addicts different: one is not enough. Some people can drink three beers every other Saturday, some people can spend only thirty bucks in a casino, some people can do a line of coke once a month and by doing it, they enjoy it, it does not create problems in their lives. You know, what pisses me off the most is that half the time I go and gamble, I always tell myself "only a hundred bucks" and it never pans out that way. It bothers me cause I KNOW I can't control myself. I've confessed hundreds of times that I can't control it, so why do I go and do it? Again, I have no bills to pay, have no kids to feed, and have no car to pay off so this episode didn't cost anyone anything, my bank account just shrunk.
I'm just very dissatisfied with the mental health progress I'm making because its very minimal if any. I don't feel a whole lot different than back in june when I popped all those pills. I will admit that I'm happier certain moments when family is around, but if I were back on my own.......I"d be dead.
Here is the biggest thing on my mind now though..the biggest 'crime' if you will. WHen I reflect on my past, I only seem to remember the good times. LIke, whaaaaaaaa? I don't want to live in the past, but I don't ever want to forget it. I just don't seem to remember how miserable I was all the time, not knowing what or if I'd eat one day, and rolling the tobacco out of cigarette butts to make new cigarettes, who could I borrow ten bucks from. God that was so fucking bad! Emotionally, I seem to draw a blank on those things, and I know they happened. Maybe this means that I feel better about my life and therefore, I don't think about all those horrible moments that dominated my life...other than that, I have no explanation for this.
I dunno, I still feel that I have a lot to unload but I feel that there's nothing else left to say. I'm gonna check out some nekkid pics now of all the beautiful women here
ashlee234:
one is too many a million is never enough. Hang in there, you'll get it. Recovery is an on-going thing. Just do the next right thing and things will keep looking up for u. 
rayraythemanape:
Mainly the problem is spending money I don't have.