And so the saga continues, but I'm happy to report that the end of this particular phase of my life is almost over. The belly is almost gone but it's still visible...just 20-30 lbs more..doesn't sound like much but once you've reached a certain weight or whatever, the work becomes harder. That coupled with my own tendency to sabotage my dieting habits..i.e. soda and junk food have made my road to recovery all that much harder and frustrating. The gambling addiction is at it's worst and I literally feel like I'm going to die every day I realize I don't have money to go and put in a slot machine. The thing is, I'm banking so much on making actual friends and a girlfriend that I sometimes wonder that even if I had all that, I might not be better. Thats what the therapist has helped me realize. I stopped going for a couple months cause quite frankly, I didn't have the money for a co-pay. Fortunately, she is sympathetic and I didn't have to pay this last time. I'm hoping for this homestead rebate check to come in next month and at least get my head out of the water cause I'm drowning right now due to late payments.
I'm ready though to disclose the source of all this drama and manipulation that this lesbian chic has caused me. I'm going to put it in spoilers though cause its full of complaints and bitterness.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)It all started on December 19, 2007. The week before we went and spent the night in AC and I won like $1600 or so and that night she disclosed to me that she was a lesbian. Now we had known and spoken to each other for months before but weren't like the best of friends or something. I think she was attracted to my gay voice and I love doing my gay voice cause it makes people laugh and smile. So, on the 19 she had just broken up with her g/f and was devastated, so devastated so that she had some kind of panic attack or whatever and paramedics were in the bathroom. When I heard about this, I began to cry..aww...fuck....anyway, the entire day it was on my mind. The next day and the next day and the next day it was on my mind. So much it was on my mind that I didn't eat anything for like three days. Once determined she was fine, I said to myself "i'm going to show her how much I care for her and don't take her for granted" and a week later the workouts began. During the next month we hung out a lot. I even went to a gay bar with her and she even wanted me to smack her ass. Oh believe me, I was obsessed and she wasn't stopping it. Then all of a sudden in mid-January, I stopped getting text messages, emails, hi's, hugs..etc. etc. etc. I was extremely devastated and yet I still continued going to the gym.
The worst day was on my birthday when she never said anything. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. So I decided that I needed help. For years I've been telling myself that I'm going to seek a therapist but never did. Finally, I saw one in April. While therapy has uncovered many things, the biggest reason was to stop obsessing over people just because they show hints that they like me as a person. The things that I would tell her about this girl quickly began to get my head out of my ass and realize what was really going on. This girl is 23 and she is still in a 16 year olds mentality. She seeks maturity out of others yet is a complete spoiled brat who went way out of her way to show me she could care less about me but wanted my attention. And there I was giving it to her, no questions asked.
Luckily for me, I began to run in my exercises and quickly developed a whole new form of motivation to do what I'm doing and it's worked when I have casinos out of my mind. As of a couple months ago, the obsession has ceased and I no longer wish to even see her face. Unfortunately, I work with her so thats not happening. I sent her a text last month stating that we should never speak to each other again and she said my problem was that I'm too dramatic. The next day she emails me at work saying she's going through some stuff and that we can be friends and blah blah blah...I never responded to that email. So for the next three weeks we ignored each other successfully Then she started saying hi to me and I figured I'd respond to that email stating that the damage was done a long time ago and that it can't be fixed. I don't think that's going to work though. I was talking to this other girl that sits across from her and she was still butting in the conversation. I will continue to ignore her but I've realized that this chic is like a virus. She won't go away, she'll let me breathe and such and I'll have 28 days out of the month to myself, but there will be a couple days where she'll have to be involved.
Of course none of this means that I am not at fault. I was obsessed and that freaks people out. But do you really have to throw someone out like a piece of garbage to prove a point? It still hurt despite the fact that I was wrong for doing what I did.
Anyway, I'm through with thinking about her. Here's the funny thing though. Last blog I said I worked with a SuicideGirl. Now I'm not so sure. This girl tells me how she sends her blogs to an agent to post them and that makes me think that she was just fucking with me when she said she was an SG. She also said how she was ranked 23rd on this site. I was like, they don't have awards and she said they did. So she also tells me that the lesbian chic is on her favorite friends list. This has me a bit worried. I come here to post stuff and vent my mind about people who will never see it. If my 'cover' has been blown, then where do I go to vent and be me? This website has been the only place where I"m allowed to fully express myself and now theres a little bit of me that fears that has been taken away.
So I hope next blog I'll do a video and post some pics of my progress. Being that its been more than a month since my last update, I have a lot of time to accomplish this.
Hope you all are doing well
Peace 
-TM
I cannot wait until it's done though!