graycen

I saw him Thanksgiving night. I had to. It was a gamble. I didn't want to regret my inaction. He had to know what was going through my mind and how I felt. It cleared a lot of things up for me. I had to know what was going through his mind. I had to find out. The not knowing was killing me and eating me up inside. Physically I had felt sick. (I couldn't even keep down the small amount of Turkey I did eat. )At least he knows how I feel. I explained things as calmly as I could. I was honest about my feelings. I kept my composure until....I tried so hard not to cry. I thought I was strong...strong for going there and strong for finding out the truth (well as close to the truth as I could come anyway).At first he was cold and distant. cruel even. keeping his walls up. trying to make me hate him. eventually I made him smile...and then laugh. we even joked around a little. I made a breakthough. It was the thing that mattered to me the most. To get a final glimpse of the man I fell in love with. To hug him and kiss him one last time. To leave things on an amicable level. It still hurts. I still love. I always will. But now I understand. I now understand him better than he thinks I know him. I am getting some closure. I still hurt. I still think. I still love. I always will because I can't forget.