graycen

Never underestimate the power of a can of tomato soup!

Today is an entirely different day then yesterday. *Duh* Well THAT was a stupid thing to say. Of COURSE it is! What I guess I mean is that I'm not feeling all strong and wise like I did yesterday.
My day started off odd. The pants I threw on this morning had a pouch of 9 polish stones in it. I bought them the other day with "him". I took each one out trying to remember their names, but I couldn't. I grabbed a reference guide and started looking things up. I needed something for protection and healing. While looking up Hematite, I noticed the listing for Holey stone. After reading the description I was amazed! I have had a Holey stone for years but never knew it!

See... I found a stone when I was an avid rock collector at age 8. It fit neatly in my palm and was the stone itself was filled with tiny holes . I found the rock facinating and the prize of my collecton! I soon discovered that it WAS a very special rock because no matter how many times this stone was thrown away ( and I mean put in the trash AND chucked into the woods) it always came back to me. I hadn't seen my magic rock in years, until one day ( while in the middle of getting divorced) I found it sitting in the top of my well rummaged well used junk drawer! I was flabbergasted!( love that word, don't you?) It hasn't gone anywhere since then, and I tend to keep a close eye on it. My holey stone has another name. It is also called Odin's stone. I found that out today....

....hence my downward spiral....

When you have nothing to do you think alot. I found myself picking apart everything he ever said or did since day one....
The fact that I still don't know the truth ( and probably never will) is eating at my insides. I feel physically sick and haven't been able to eat anything since Saturday afternoon.

....so I carried my Holey stone around with me today, along with my 9 polished rocks ( I couldn't bear to separate them. btw- 9 really is the perfect number mathmatically. I've had plenty of time to work it out. ) I felt out of control several times....I felt like the universe is trying to tell me something(Why after all these years, did I learn today that my rock was called Odin's stone?)...I felt like the past few months were a fucking joke and i didn't get the punch line until Saturday....I laughed today.I didn't want to, but my Dad made me. ( he always had that strange ability) It hurt when I did, mainly because I remembered the last time I laughed and it was with "him"....

Today I am not strong. I am introspective and fragile. I feel as if someone said the wrong thing to me today I would totally go to pieces. I almost did when the receptionist at the kid's dentist said no drinking in the waiting room. WHAT? I couldn't have my llubder???!!!

Tomorrow will be different. Better? Worse? Who knows? That's the scary part.....