grayce

::deep breath::
it is officially christmas eve.. i really figured i could escape this feeling this year....but alas, that little demon of emptiness just crept up and whispered in my ear.
that little string on my heart was tugged a little and i noticed, i should have ignored it but i felt it tug again. now i spend the wee hours of this morning thinking about how i got here. alone.
Maybe im just too exhausted from shoveling snow all day.
Im sad and I hate it.
I don't want to need someone else to hold me or fuss over me.
I want to be this autonomous being that dosent submit to lust or love..
I don't want the internal mess that goes along with wanting someone.
I always end up wanting someone who has zero good intentions in their whole body besides emptying themselves into me like a dumping ground.
Its not even a good intention, its just an action with no meaning exept self gratification.
Bah, I don't want to be sad on Christmas eve. I don't want to go to bed alone, or wake up by myself knowing I don't have anyone special to give wonderful gifts too..
Having no one to fuss over or fawn over sucks but im still not ready to let myself get wrapped up in someone who dosent care at all yet..
Why don't I have an on/off button?
Why do my neighbors make me ill even though they are so dysfunctional im surprised they havnt killed each other yet?
why cant I just shut up and resign myself to being alone without feeling like its my fault? Or that I did something wrong when I know none of that had crap to do with me?
why cant I have a frontal lobotomy for Christmas?
Just install a little switch that I can turn when it gets too hard and I just need a holiday..
I can see how people can be addicted to things.. its our natural on/off switches malfunctioning so we self medicate to compensate.
Egh. And maybe its all just the culmination of worry and emotions for the week let out because im too exhausted from shoveling snow
happy holidays kids