FUCK!
I just...
ahhh...
fuck it.
hm... it's seems...
yes, there's a distinct possibility...
i'm becoming quite sure of it now...
most definitely.
i'm losing my mind.
or, perhaps i just really want to.
maybe i just want to forget about all of this bullshit that i put myself through every day, and get in my car, and start driving. driving, non-stop, no sleep. chain-smoking windows down, loud music... like steppenwolf driving driving driving... to sumplace sunny. someplace new. fuck school. fuck film. fuck it all. start a custom car shop. by the damned desoto and give it a rebirth. a new beginning. and in some small way, give myself one as well. create and recreate something tangible. something real. of substance, that will last, that may be admired. that takes skill, and patience and tools. to scar my hands with my work. to have control over something that is utterly real. i have no control over anything anymore. i have no control. i have a remote control. i have many remote controls. they control things, that while sometimes are enjoyable, are most often unfulfilling.
many things have been unfulling for me lately. i want something fulfilling. soemthing to satiate myself. sex. fulfilling sex. this would be good. i haven't had that... since november. masturbation.. physical, mental, emotional.. it's all i seem to do anymore. it feels... lonely. very lonely. it all feels lonely. i'm always lonely anymore. i don't want to be lonely. noone does. we may want to be alone, but not lonely. why would you want to be lonely? why do i choose to be lonely? i'm sick of being lonely. torrents of thought... all i hear is my own voice inside my head, screaming at me, attacking myself. always being attacked. i always feel like everyone is attacking me. i'm defensive. overly so. always. i can't help it. i don't know what others consider to be defensive, other than how i seem to act all the time. i want to let it go. i want to lose this mind. i want to collapse. i want to break down. i want to start over again. i want to be that child i once was. when everything was so simple... btu i never was that child. i never was. it was a fantasy. i remember being seven, and wondering if anyone would come to my funeral if i died. and even if they did, would they really know me? would they know anything about me? about who i am? no one does. i don't. i know that once i could smile all the time. that once i was a blonde-haired, wide-eyed prodigy. and i have gone the way of the new millennium. of television and media. of the commerical-length attention span. look at how i ramble? thoughts are not cohesive! they break down too quickly! can't be held! i can only hodl tem, and create something flowing when i have ruined myself. gone without sleep for so long that the mind cannot wander anymore. maybe i should stop sleeping. then i could think again. then i could hold thoughts about things other than self-induced attack. we have to question everything, don't we? everything has to be a symptom of somethign that can be fixed with a pill. allergies, weight gain, depression, headaches, smoking, drinking, paranoia, the commercials for medication. TAKE YOUR PILLS! i take vitamins, a plethora everyday. little orange ones, round white ones, little oval brown ones, multivitamin, b vitamin, echinacea, c/e vitamin, calcium magnesium zinc, ginseng, gingko... i don't know if they help. i smoke. too much. all the time. constantly. no less than two packs a day. three if i'm nervous or drinking, or walking ro driving or editing or writing. so much goes on in the world everyday. it's too much for one person to take. so much goes on in my mind everyday. it's too much for one person to handle. i need to fuck. i need to smoke. i need to drink. i need to create. i need a hug.
i
need
to
stop.
i'll never understand how you can all be so nice to me, and ask nothing in return.
I just...
ahhh...
fuck it.
hm... it's seems...
yes, there's a distinct possibility...
i'm becoming quite sure of it now...
most definitely.
i'm losing my mind.
or, perhaps i just really want to.
maybe i just want to forget about all of this bullshit that i put myself through every day, and get in my car, and start driving. driving, non-stop, no sleep. chain-smoking windows down, loud music... like steppenwolf driving driving driving... to sumplace sunny. someplace new. fuck school. fuck film. fuck it all. start a custom car shop. by the damned desoto and give it a rebirth. a new beginning. and in some small way, give myself one as well. create and recreate something tangible. something real. of substance, that will last, that may be admired. that takes skill, and patience and tools. to scar my hands with my work. to have control over something that is utterly real. i have no control over anything anymore. i have no control. i have a remote control. i have many remote controls. they control things, that while sometimes are enjoyable, are most often unfulfilling.
many things have been unfulling for me lately. i want something fulfilling. soemthing to satiate myself. sex. fulfilling sex. this would be good. i haven't had that... since november. masturbation.. physical, mental, emotional.. it's all i seem to do anymore. it feels... lonely. very lonely. it all feels lonely. i'm always lonely anymore. i don't want to be lonely. noone does. we may want to be alone, but not lonely. why would you want to be lonely? why do i choose to be lonely? i'm sick of being lonely. torrents of thought... all i hear is my own voice inside my head, screaming at me, attacking myself. always being attacked. i always feel like everyone is attacking me. i'm defensive. overly so. always. i can't help it. i don't know what others consider to be defensive, other than how i seem to act all the time. i want to let it go. i want to lose this mind. i want to collapse. i want to break down. i want to start over again. i want to be that child i once was. when everything was so simple... btu i never was that child. i never was. it was a fantasy. i remember being seven, and wondering if anyone would come to my funeral if i died. and even if they did, would they really know me? would they know anything about me? about who i am? no one does. i don't. i know that once i could smile all the time. that once i was a blonde-haired, wide-eyed prodigy. and i have gone the way of the new millennium. of television and media. of the commerical-length attention span. look at how i ramble? thoughts are not cohesive! they break down too quickly! can't be held! i can only hodl tem, and create something flowing when i have ruined myself. gone without sleep for so long that the mind cannot wander anymore. maybe i should stop sleeping. then i could think again. then i could hold thoughts about things other than self-induced attack. we have to question everything, don't we? everything has to be a symptom of somethign that can be fixed with a pill. allergies, weight gain, depression, headaches, smoking, drinking, paranoia, the commercials for medication. TAKE YOUR PILLS! i take vitamins, a plethora everyday. little orange ones, round white ones, little oval brown ones, multivitamin, b vitamin, echinacea, c/e vitamin, calcium magnesium zinc, ginseng, gingko... i don't know if they help. i smoke. too much. all the time. constantly. no less than two packs a day. three if i'm nervous or drinking, or walking ro driving or editing or writing. so much goes on in the world everyday. it's too much for one person to take. so much goes on in my mind everyday. it's too much for one person to handle. i need to fuck. i need to smoke. i need to drink. i need to create. i need a hug.
i
need
to
stop.
i'll never understand how you can all be so nice to me, and ask nothing in return.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
I agree that relationships have to be a good balance of the physical and the emotional. right now tho, I have to sadly admit that the physical part is actually a bit better than the emotional part. Hmm.. no good, eh?