grayblue

too much time alone in my room. starting to feel down again. thinking of her a lot. i miss her. and i can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
am i being whiny? does this all make me seem pathetic?
GODDAMMIT.
i just want to know one way or the other. i want to know that it could work and have her back, or know that it won't so i can let myself move on.
all i am right now is stuck in this purgatory within my mind where nothing makes sense and i can only think about this one thing. i need to break out of this, in either direction, but i can't, and i domn't know if that's a sign that i need her back, or if it's a sign that i've got problems. or what. goddammit. goddammit. goddammit.
what i know: i didn't work before due to a whole host of circumstances derived from one problem, which has been taken care of (i think).
when i see her, i want to kiss her.
with her in my arms, nothing has ever felt so right.
my bed feels empty without her beside me.

what i also know:
i can't stand most of her friends.
she's young.

what i don't know:
if there's a chance.
if the damage can ever be mended.
if i still love her as i once did.
if she still loves me.

feeling beaten up by the iron gauntlets of my own thoughts.