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grayblue

syracuse, indy & b-town, in

Member Since 2002

Followers 58 Following 49

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Monday Dec 02, 2002

Dec 2, 2002
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class today turned out to be alright. the prof is in australia "giving a paper", so we had a fill-in who was actually really cool, and more than happy to entertain alternative points of view.

as i sat outside waiting for class, after having seen a pair of bird's wings lying on the brick path, as if detached and fallen from mid-flight, a melancholy swept over me and i thought of some things -

drink to silence the insight
music so loud to drown my voice
smoke to kill the body.

thoughts, fused though ductile
dark shards
incomplete segments
the stream of conciousness is frozen, fractured.
chaotic floes of thought wash over the mind.
concious control is lacking.
see too much
remembering... memories like a can of soda frozen: seeping, pressured, exploded.
too little of myself
too much of everything else.
my life's paradigm needs to be shifted


and i wrote all that down before class, then had class, which i was very pleased with all in all, then onto japanese, then onward home, back past the bird's wings.

when i got home i found her here, packing. she intends to be out by the end of the week. we talked a while, and found ourselves being nice to each other for the first time in a while. we decided to drink and order pizza. while we waited i took a shower and dressed, putting on the jeans she made me buy, the shirt i got with her at the mogwai show in louisville this past summer, and the slippers i bought with her in chicago chinatown. the pizza got here and we pushed the coffee table out from in front of the couch to sit on the floor and watch law & order, just like we always used to. we drank whiskey with our cokes, i had to pour the shots for her, she always spills them all over...
we laughed and talked about everything and tickled each other...
and we made love for the last time. exploring each other as though it had been an eternity since the last. we came together, gloriously, and fell into a sweaty, pulsing heap on top of each other, out of breath and smiling as though having seen the face of God. i fetched water for us, she lit the cigarettes, and we lay in bed happy... happy as only we have ever been able to make each other happy.

at least that's how it played out in my head while I was in the shower. the last is not true. she left with him 15 minutes ago, and here i am. alone, with no one to blame but myself. i chose this. as i always seem to. i knwo that we can't work. i know that we can't. and i know that i've done nothing but badmouth her since the breakup. but here i am, missing her. knowing that i will miss her when she has moved out after friday. i know that we need to be apart. so does she.

but i will always have love for her.
and i will always have pain joined to that love.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
_michael:
its the best, when you think its gonna be the last. i actually refrain from watching tv during those.
Dec 3, 2002
snow:
if only the fantasy could somehow become the reality. it was much more warmer than being alone. we crave love and pain equally.
Dec 3, 2002

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