grayblue

I have seen the face of god. In the purest love that I once had, I looked into gods eyes, and felt joy. But that joy gave way to a blind turmoil which ravaged my soul, and destroyed that which meant so much. I look back now and wonder if rationalization was the true culprit. If reasoning out expectations razed my heart, taking with it the fleeting happiness that meant so much. I miss those emotions which lie rooted in a smile between lovers, that expression which can cure all. I stopped looking, stopped seeing that smile, and thereby, witnessed my own demise.
She is not gone from my heart. I begin to wonder now if she ever will be. The thoughts come just as easily now as they ever did. I wonder if I simply obsess. I wonder what shes doing right now. I wonder if the thoughts come as easily to her as they do to me; or if the disdain which was once love has erased the possibilities from her mind. I wonder what my penance will be. How long it will take, if the darkness will ever be dispelled.
The summer has begun, and I live now in the same room we once shared, seeing her everywhere I look. Remembering the nights when we did nothing but make love for hours on end. Walking down the stairs for water, only to see the smug smiles on my roommates faces, knowing that they were happy for me, because they knew that I was happy also.
I remember all of the joy that we brought to each other. And I realize now, that that is what I see the most not the pain that we brought to each other. And that all she sees is the pain that I brought to her. I wonder now if the reason I never felt she knew me lies in me never allowing her to know me. I wonder now if my bitterness and cynicism are all that I have to blame for my current pain. I wonder if my trust issues and distraught nature will ever allow me to again have that love which is all that I need to feel complete once more.
I wonder now what my penance will be.