grapefruit

it started raining early this morning.
the lighting and thunder woke me up around three.
i hadn't gone to sleep until about one, but the sound was actually quite welcome.
i keep my bedroom window and back screen door open after i get home because the draft cools the apartment significantly.
i'm grateful i have yet to use the a/c.
besides, it smells good outside.
i was awake again around five, listening to it pour.
it's really just so comforting.
i was trying to say something and i've forgotten again.
i've taken several trips to la-la-land today. i'm fending off this cold with positive thinking, vitamins, rest, and symptom relief. my head still feels a little spacey, tho.
earth to penny.

and so i wanna play in the rain.
i've already been outside once today just to stand in it.

it feels good.

i keep letting my mind wander away into dreams of laying my face on someone's smooth skin.

i'm losing weight.
we'd discussed this,
but i'm not doing it on purpose. not that it's unintentional but what i mean is that it's inadvertent but i've used that word too much. and now even people who see me on a daily basis say they notice.
i'm honestly trying NOT to notice.
i'm just trying to do what feels right,
and trust me,
i don't just mean what feels good.
the right thing doesn't always feel good, so i find.
but who's to say.
i could have everything all wrong.

and i still want a bicycle.
sister-in-law and i were discussing the creek-cleanup plan.
she's too afraid of bugs to go with mo and me, but she agreed to walk with us down to the railroad track crossing and then follow along down the fence to keep us company and trade our trash bags.
we need exercise.
she's been utterly depressed of late. she's been out of work for months and months, her house is filthy. on and on. semi-unhappy marriage. life sucks for her these days.
she went with bubba on sunday to san antonio. it was a day trip.
i took care of their dogs while they were gone, and while i was there i cleaned their kitchen (pretty fucking disgusting, let me tell you) and dusted their wedding display.
i can see that it cheered her up a bit and that's all i wanted.
i'd clean her whole house but i know it wouldn't be motivation for her to keep it that way.
i just want people i love to be happy.
and of course, some people i'm just close to.
and some people just click.
and some people just fade away.
and some choose to leave.
and sometimes we're just busy and forget.
all i have to offer right now is some piece of me,
something good, time, quality,
and the value can't be made to look like money.
even if my name is penny.

mom found a job.
she'll be making less than half what she made before.
actually, she'll be making exactly what i make per year except she doesn't get benefits.
i realize how wonderful my job is but i'm also happy that she found something because it's better than unemployment.
she still won't be able to pay her bills.
it's very odd.

and she's really proud of me.
and sister-in-law says she's jealous,
and i can't help but be grateful and try hard to keep what i've got.
and i feel bad for wanting rid of certain obligations but i just want to focus on what's right in my life.
and it narrows down to good friends, family, and my job.
i'm lucky to have lovely things on my mind, me thinks.

i'm having a sweet potato for lunch.
and some yogurt.
and this afternoon i'm going to splurge and drink a root beer.

oh for simple pleasure.

and hey,
thanks for good memories...
they keep me going,
when i have to give up on dreams.

g'nite sweet-tarts.