grapefruit

what's great is that i doubt anyone will read [ this ] entry.
so i can just blather away without worrying that someone will see this.
i mean, sure, someone might see it, but people usually don't take the time to finger through a person's past for understanding.

i'm realizing why i have only one friend.
i mean, technically, if maybe one or two other people lived closer in geographical proximity, i might have others,
but it seems that the people i tend to put my faith in have no regard, really.
and i should expect that i suppose, everyone puts themselves first.
and that's understandable...
and so then why do i feel guilty doing so?
and why do i feel so inclined to keep others in my thoughts so regularly?

it's retarded.
it causes more harm than good.
i should create more benign relationships.
hahaha
goodness, that sounds like fun, eh?
not.

it's like starting over again and again and again.
my bubbles don't just burst, they shatter,
like that glass menagerie

and it's gotten to the point that i want to be part of the party throwing the pieces around...
stomping on them,
crunching them underfoot.

fuck it.

i feel so blind,
not numb. i guess that's okay.
but sometimes i think i'd almost rather just BE numb.
why not, ya know?

the manifestation is heavy