grapefruit

for posterity:

obviously we have issues.
nice to meet you.

ugly ugly
beautiful

how many good things does it take to fill in a bad hole?

i want so many people to just fuck off.
but i want to keep just a few so close.

grr mad

not really grr mad, but fucking goddam shit it's retarded.

work is fine.
work really couldn't be much better although i'm coming in early and leaving late, sacrificing my lunch hour for a few quick bites at my desk in a paper jungle.
(i'm thinking in spreadsheets and blue screens)

training a person for a few days,
now she's gone and round two will be idon'tknowwhen.

but apparently i'm "a good teacher and wonderful at what i do."
okay.
how 'bout some better fucking incentive?
eyebrows raised

whatever.
nevermind.

i have a job.
i don't mind it too much besides the fact that it's boring.
and that will definitely soon change (if the boring hasn't already disappeared) when i transfer into new position,
new experience, yay.

please pretend this entire entry is monotonous.
do not dare to impose your own enunciation or emphasis.
blah blah blah

i want to blink and be done packing.
and i want everything to be in organized little boxes that are perfect for carrying up three flights of stairs.
okay, technically two flights.
i want some buff dude to carry my washer and dryer up for me. and sweat on my new carpet.

but whatever to that, too.

a month is much longer waiting than what id become accustomed to. but its cool. i figure it may be much longer still.
and i want to be nice to someone.
and i want someone to be nice back to me.
and i want to feel like its not just a hasty band-aid application that will lose its stick after a few weathered days/weeks/months.
and
whatever.

im confused about which apartment to choose.
i think it will boil down to the plan that feels best, though a tiny bit more expensive.
im so fucking wishy-washy.

and a couple weeks ago id apologized to a person i care about for wish-washing.
at that moment it just made sense to me
washing my wishes.
and i put them in the wrong places.
i want to let them all go like helium balloons and find them along the rest of my journey.
i will miss them, but what wonderful surprises i have in store.

i just dont understand.
sometimes i just wonder why

but its gonna work out fine.

and im going to go to hawaii.
saving begins now and i think its honestly more important than anywhere else right now
(not including a trip to hometown to visit my dying relatives everyone just gets old, and most of them are unhealthy, too. sad sad)

besides.
im wanted badly in hawaii.
id love to see an island.
i want to be an island sometimes.

wash away.