grapefruit

9am and i should truly be working on something more productive than my own catharsis.
these days are wrecked. i keep thinking to myself about that clich always worse before better and it offers a false sense of hope.
received a strange mail from a dear friend and im still technically pondering those words, although ive already technically penned my response.
i really like seal. i think ill dl some of the music when i get home.
and i also understand that dling music is probably ripping off the musicians, but im not ripping them off nearly as bad as the record companies do, and besides the big-time musicians probably have enough money to lend me an album or two. so thanks. and i also listened to portishead, the kinks, pink floyd,
love my justification. im really good with excuses.
and other stuff. its hard to remember all of it. a few days of sobriety, which, sadly, admittedly, is unusual for me. but the clear head makes for an interesting change in perspective, as well im much less likely to laugh it off. whatever it is.
yay.
sometimes i dont make much sense. and although ive not been smoking myself into an indifferent coma each evening, ive been craving intoxication and almost bought myself a bottle of wine last night.
i refrained.
i digress.
regardless, i will have drinks with my friend on thursday and meet mister thirsty and hopefully sate my craving then.
and about those excuses, i really am getting better at talking myself out of making them
i suppose im still in denial about some things, tho
mom is pissed because shes just trying to show me the path shes already been down and im ignoring her.
consciously, i know im ignoring her. but i am her child. and dammit i will learn my own lesson.
even though i know shes right.
a girl can have some hope, right? true or false. that is a rhetorical question.
i wish my phone would stop ringing.
i dont want to answer it. just a moment please.
i said just a second! (okay. stop twisting my words)

this is the loon that i am. cuckoo.

its great though. allowing myself that freedom, to be crazy.
good stuff.
i almost always know i can pull it back together.
im really much better under pressure.
and always somehow optimistic. i try to see all sides.
i need fly eyes. (spit in one hand and shit in the other wait. thats not how it goes)

makes me think of david bowie.
and diamonds.

Happy is the woman who can laugh at herself; She will never cease to be amused.