Monday Apr 09, 2007

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I apologise in advance for the emo-ness of some of this entry, but I need to vent a little. I've spoilered it for those not wishing to see the self pity.

Saturday night was rather ace. I went out to a party at my mates Lau and Ians and met three of their other friends for the first time. Everyone was lovely, although it took me a while to relax as is normal with me when around people I don't know. Luckily due to the wine and the top-notch hashish I relaxed a lot sooner than I would have done normally and we were soon having laughs and enjoying Singstar like I had always been a part of their group.

Sunday was alright. Ma, my aunty, my cousin and myself went to my Grandads for Easter dinner and tea. I was a little hung over in the morning (only having had 4 1/2 hours sleep as well!) but that soon cleared up and we had a quiet day listening to Dean Martin and chatting about Easters gone by. I spent a most of the afternoon curled up on the sofa reading a geeky Warhammer 40,000 novel. It was relaxing.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

For some reason as today has gone on I've become more and more depressed and low and the reason escapes me. There's lots of little things that have been bothering me for a couple of weeks, but there's something else as well and not knowing what is making it seem worse I think. I know that I felt a little like a spare wheel on Saturday night at times as I was the only single person there and the events of a couple of weeks ago are obviously still kinda fresh. I've just got a near overwhelming urge to do something stupid and wreckless and damn the consequences. The old suicidal urge is rearing it's head larger and more apparent than it has in a long time, and the fact that I've got 400 sat in my room isn't making it any easier to ignore. Part me just wants to take the money and head as far up country as it'll get me and end it. The only reason I have not to is because I don't want to put my family through a third death in 3 1/2 years. I know Grandad wouldn't be able to cope if I did leave and I'm not sure my Mother would be able to either. I can't do that to them, they don't deserve it, not because of me. For reasons I can't fathom they think that I'm worth worrying about and I can't make them think otherwise, so I stay and I linger and slip a little closer to the edge each time these moods engulf me. One day I know that I'll be too down, too selfish to care and when that day happens I'll not only be responsible for ending my life, but destroying the lives of the ones I love too.



Not really got much else to report at the moment. How are you?

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
grafman:
Just thought I let ya know I'm still alive! Thanks for the support, it means a lot.
I'm feeling more level than I was when I posted that. I'm still none the wiser as to what brought it on, but hey ho, that's nothing new. I took your advice girlysound and went for a long walk out to one the villages on the outskirts of the town I live in. Spent an hour or so sat in the churchyard writing down some thoughts and feelings before walking home. It was good and really helped clear my head a bit. I got some good stuff written down too that I'm gonna use in a story I'm working on smile I would have gone further afield and used that money, but I need it to upgrade my PC and pay my archery club membership!

Thanks again ladies, you're wonderful people and I'm glad to know you're here x
girlysound:
I'm glad I could help! I get down every know and then too and I just ride it out and think, "hmm what is the underlying reason I feel this way?" Sometimes I figure it out sometimes I don't but we're young, we have time. Thanks for sending some good thoughts my way, it meant a lot!!
kiss

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