graelston

"the anatomy of melancholy"

i was at derik's memorial yesterday.
i nearly flipped shit on the drive from denver.
my heart was going approximately a jillion miles an hour.
i had to get high, so as to overcome my nausea.
i was so shakey, once i got there, that people kept asking me
if i was freezing.
his brother didnt recognize me- and i dont blame him. last time he saw me, i was no older than 15, decked out in men's bondage pants, men's size XL t-shirts, and the stereotypical "goth tears" painted on my face.
"thank you for coming. and you are...?"
"it's me, nelson. savannah."
"s.. savannah?? oh!"
his dad gave me a hug, and asked me how i was doing, etc.
his mother said hello, and that was it.
i was talking with josh, at one point when i snuck off for a smoke.
told him how i was upset on the ride there.
"really? what kind of feelings? are you okay?"
i assured him that i wasnt, but that i would be okay,
and i asked him how he was doing.
"i try and pretend like im okay when people ask, but im not"
we stood and talked about derik. about our personal relationships with him.
josh told me that derik basically never stopped talking about me.
i told him that i'd always been upset with how i broke up with him, and handled things.
"to derik, the break up was always mutual. you were in school, he was
in trinidad at college."
...while talking, josh told me that about a year and a half ago derik had started telling him that when we were in high school, the members of the football team had raped me. i assured josh this wasnt true [and if it had been, josh would have torn every single one of them apart, barehanded.]

*sigh*
i was hoping that writing this would help me feel better about all this..
it didnt, not really.
fuck.