gracie

Against my better judgement I crawled out from beneath the comfort of my blankets and faced the 30th March 26th of my life.

This is a hard one. I'm divorcing the only person who is around to celebrate with me. He and I had a grotesque arguement, via cell phone no less, that lasted all morning. So for lunch I had a steaming hot guilt trip with a side of resentment.

I really wish we wouldn't fight. This is already so hard for us both when we're okay.

I tried not to cry, swearing I wouldn't cry on my birthday as I have each one prior, but once the lip started shaking there was no stopping those evil little salty drops.

Feeling restless, I drove around town dumpster diving in cardboard bins to find boxes to pack my stuff up in. All I kept thinking was how alone I'm going to be for a while. A totally strange state, with not a soul who cared if I lived or died for hundreds of miles.

I know this will be good for me so I can't understand why I'm so afraid. I am 30 years old and I'll be on my own for the very first time and I'm terrified.

This isn't the way I imagined turning 30 would be.