gothikai

I could kick myself right now, but I already feel bad enough.

For the past 2 months, Gabriel & I have been talking & acting like we were going to get back together at some point. We spent time together, made out, cuddled, fucked, etc.

I was ready to get back together when I finally found out about his indiscretions from the past (cheating). I found out about that on Sunday & today I found out that this past Saturday was no exception to his lies or my intuition.

He called me at around 9 or 9:30 to tell me he was really tired (in his really tired voice) & going to bed. I was suspicious. I called him back a few times throughout the evening & he always answered with his sleeping voice to tell me he was asleep.

Today I found out that he was at a party the whole damn time. Not to mention, almost everyone I know was there, too, so of course it was going to get back to me. He should've told me first at least.

When I confronted him about it, he said he lied because he knew I wouldn't want him to go & didn't want to hear me bitching. I said that if we were seriously trying to get back together & he seriously cared for/loved/respected me that he would NOT have gone in the first place if he knew I would disapprove, much less, lie to me about it & not admit it until I busted his ass.

Then all he could say was "sorry". I know the "sorry" he means, too, sorry he got caught in his lie, not sorry he went to the party.

I have forgiven him over & over & over again & what do I get in return? More lies.

I always return to a quote from Gabe's favorite movie, Interview with a Vampire: "you're the father of lies". How ironic.

And how shameful I feel now...I remember the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." And in my case, "fool me more times than I can count, what am I an idiot?"

So, now what? I said I was ready to move on & I honestly lied, but NOW, I really want to move on. So there.