gothikai

I received a phone call last night at 2am from my midwife. The call woke me up. She was asking if I was a smoker. I thought that was a strange question in the middle of the night, but I answered her honestly & said "yes". She told me that she hadn't realized that & that the backup midwife (who would have had to handle my labor last night) was unwilling to work with a smoker. Even Donna (my midwife) said she doesn't normally deal with smokers...something about extra risk of bleeding or a small baby. So, I got to spend the rest of the night trying to decide whether to try & birth the baby at home with no professional around, go to the hospital & endure the medical treatment type birth, or pray that my labor was false labor & that Donna would be back in town & willing to deliver my baby at home. It was a long night full of sadness, worries, bad dreams, & contractions.

Neither my midwife nor a dr. could tell me over the phone for certain whether or not my water had actually broken, so I went in to the hospital this morning to find out for sure. After the most painful vaginal exam I've ever endured, it turns out that my water did NOT break & I'm back to the waiting game again. The only plus side is that I'm now 2cm dilated, but still only 50% effaced.

I'm back home now & feeling depressed & dumb. Not to mention, I still don't know whether or not my midwife is still "my" midwife. Will I get to deliver my baby at home or be stuck at the hospital? Today's visit reminded me of just how much I do NOT want a hospital birth. Being strapped to 3 monitors & having to wear a hospital gown & endure a horrific exam, just because I thought my water broke...plus I had to fill out forms & sign papers & the nurse was pretty inept. Gah!