gothikai

I think I have traced the source of my depression. I don't want to blame Gabriel, but I honestly think that it's all stemming from my marriage. I feel like I am living with a ball of anger & negativity. No matter how hard I try, he is not happy. And I am not happy. There is no simple solution. Ideally he would realize how he is & make a change, but I don't think that's going to happen. If I were to leave him, I would be stuck back at my parents' house & I wouldn't be any happier than I am not (probably less happy, unless I found someone else). And finding someone else is unlikely. Here I am almost 9 months pregnant with my 2nd child from 2 different fathers. Who's going to want me? I feel like I am in a corner. In a few months, Gabriel & I will have been together for 2 years. That has me thinking about the only other relationship I've ever been in that has lasted so long, my relationship with Katana's father, Ryan. He was really shitty after I found out I was pregnant, but I loved him with all my heart. I wanted it to work, but we both knew it would never work. Then, he left us & did us all a favor...Am I waiting around for Gabriel to do the same? Sometimes I think yes. I know I should be the one to do it because I see it, but I am still holding on to that glimmer of hope that we could still be happy somehow. When he kisses me (oh so seldomly) it feels me with great joy. It makes me feel loved again & happy again. But it's so fleeting. A moment's pleasure followed by a day/night of depression & pain.