my mother just realized that she hates me.
i feel sad for my mother because she'll never get over it. she says that people always ask about me...what i'm doing...where i'm headed...she thinks-nowhere, but answers accordingly.
she doesn't believe that art puts food on the table.
she wont even look at my art.
my mother calls me dark and contrary. demonic. pornographic.
my mother has never seen me laugh.
this is not about my mother.
this is not about anything.
this is not about getting too little sleep and realizing that your pants dont fit you anymore. or that your hip bones stick out. the bad rib digs in.
my mother doesn't try very hard to help or understand and so i apologize ahead of time for fucking up again.
my mother is afraid.
this is not about being afraid.
remember when dorothy returned to oz and the yellow brick road lay in ruins?
i thought it was gorgeous.
i feel sad for my mother because she'll never get over it. she says that people always ask about me...what i'm doing...where i'm headed...she thinks-nowhere, but answers accordingly.
she doesn't believe that art puts food on the table.
she wont even look at my art.
my mother calls me dark and contrary. demonic. pornographic.
my mother has never seen me laugh.
this is not about my mother.
this is not about anything.
this is not about getting too little sleep and realizing that your pants dont fit you anymore. or that your hip bones stick out. the bad rib digs in.
my mother doesn't try very hard to help or understand and so i apologize ahead of time for fucking up again.
my mother is afraid.
this is not about being afraid.
remember when dorothy returned to oz and the yellow brick road lay in ruins?
i thought it was gorgeous.
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
i completely hear you with what you've posted. i have the same problem. my dad's a dreamer and has never made money for the family (although, he's tried harder than anyone i've ever known) and my mom thinks that's how i'll end up, too. she doesn't talk about it, but i know that's how she feels. i know she feels that my going to uni is a waste of her money. i don't care anymore. i can't care anymore. i take what's offered and if i'm called a 'manipulator' or a 'user' that's fine by me. i'll live here for free, eat for free, go to school for free just because i have high debt that i want to get rid of and if i had to pay for all those other things i'd be screwed. it gets on my nerves, though. not being able to move out. get out. wash off all the uselessness i feel in this house. they went away for 3 weeks this time last year. i'd never felt more right, more happy, more confident in myself. all they talk about is finding me a rich man to marry. i'm an aquarius for God's sake! i'd never settle for that. dad complains that i'm taking too high a dose of my antidepressants, then when i get sad it's not enough. he thinks i have multiple personalities. i had to secretly get a new domain and a public email address so he wouldn't over-react to what i'm saying in my journal. that situation was fucked up. i'll give you a laugh and tell you the whole story one day. one day we'll both be free of these chains. i just wish i had a license to be able to wisk us both off for some fun, take our minds off the crap we have to put up with.
[Edited on Sep 12, 2003]