I'm serious.
These good times have to end sometime. I don't know if I can handle it much longer. I'm in overfun mode.
So last night I hooked up with an old friend. I'm feeling funny about it though, cuz I have the beginnings of attachment in me. I don't know whether I am actually liking him in that way, or if I am just looking too hard for some real feeling.
Have you noticed how many times in the past week I have reached out for something/someone? I feel like I'm grasping for something... I can see my fingers in the murkiness reaching for a hold on something anything anyone and it's all slipping through. Desperation? Maybe. That's what my fun overdrive is. I feel like if I sift through enough I will catch hold of something solid. See me snorkeling? Imagine sea grasses, slimy and hard to hold. Somewhere in there, there is something alive to find and embrace and maybe keep for a long long time. But I'm scared of it, too. What if I make a mistake? What if I am wrong?
You know that the boys in the backseat, they were incidental. They were just for fun, and kind of a consolation. But I admit I am looking for something longterm. Last night I wanted to say, "Is this only tonight? Will you call me, will we do this again? I can't take another passive rejection. I know that if we do this tonight you will not have any respect for me tomorrow, and you will not call me and you will not want me anymore. What are your intentions? Do you worry like I do? Or is this just a passing moment to you?" I didn't say it. I got as far as, "Will you call me again?" and he said, "I never called you before," which is true. I said, "You won't respect me tomorrow, will you," and he replied by laughing, because the joke is, he didn't respect me before. I don't really present a respectable image. He was being sarcastic, not being mean; at least not intentionally. Still, it upset me a little. I didn't say so. We stopped what we were doing (or about to do), and slept. I really really miss sleeping with people... sleeping in warm arms. Last night was the first time in many many months. I told him that in the morning. I think I was trying to hint to him that I was feeling that beginning attachment. But is it a true emotion or am I just reaching out for something anything?
Now I get frightened of the idea of attachment. If I let him in, he will hurt me. So I will move on to the next. Snorkel Goob swimming away.
This is a weird journal entry. I didn't know I was going to do that. I'm in a creepy kind of mood now. Melancholy. A little bit sad, in an introspective kind of way. Not unhappy really. Just a little sad.
Look what I finally got to take a picture of:
It's such a beautiful day out. I should be outside again. We had tea in his backyard this morning. It was so sunny and cozy... I am so easy to make happy sometimes.
These good times have to end sometime. I don't know if I can handle it much longer. I'm in overfun mode.
So last night I hooked up with an old friend. I'm feeling funny about it though, cuz I have the beginnings of attachment in me. I don't know whether I am actually liking him in that way, or if I am just looking too hard for some real feeling.
Have you noticed how many times in the past week I have reached out for something/someone? I feel like I'm grasping for something... I can see my fingers in the murkiness reaching for a hold on something anything anyone and it's all slipping through. Desperation? Maybe. That's what my fun overdrive is. I feel like if I sift through enough I will catch hold of something solid. See me snorkeling? Imagine sea grasses, slimy and hard to hold. Somewhere in there, there is something alive to find and embrace and maybe keep for a long long time. But I'm scared of it, too. What if I make a mistake? What if I am wrong?
You know that the boys in the backseat, they were incidental. They were just for fun, and kind of a consolation. But I admit I am looking for something longterm. Last night I wanted to say, "Is this only tonight? Will you call me, will we do this again? I can't take another passive rejection. I know that if we do this tonight you will not have any respect for me tomorrow, and you will not call me and you will not want me anymore. What are your intentions? Do you worry like I do? Or is this just a passing moment to you?" I didn't say it. I got as far as, "Will you call me again?" and he said, "I never called you before," which is true. I said, "You won't respect me tomorrow, will you," and he replied by laughing, because the joke is, he didn't respect me before. I don't really present a respectable image. He was being sarcastic, not being mean; at least not intentionally. Still, it upset me a little. I didn't say so. We stopped what we were doing (or about to do), and slept. I really really miss sleeping with people... sleeping in warm arms. Last night was the first time in many many months. I told him that in the morning. I think I was trying to hint to him that I was feeling that beginning attachment. But is it a true emotion or am I just reaching out for something anything?
Now I get frightened of the idea of attachment. If I let him in, he will hurt me. So I will move on to the next. Snorkel Goob swimming away.
This is a weird journal entry. I didn't know I was going to do that. I'm in a creepy kind of mood now. Melancholy. A little bit sad, in an introspective kind of way. Not unhappy really. Just a little sad.
Look what I finally got to take a picture of:
It's such a beautiful day out. I should be outside again. We had tea in his backyard this morning. It was so sunny and cozy... I am so easy to make happy sometimes.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
perhaps. ill admit that it would be rather difficult for me to make a true description of you without having met you...BUT what person doesnt have their bad points? i wouldnt have started reading your journal on here if i didnt think you seemed a unique and exceptional person.