So I guess I was kidding myself. Man, I am a moron when it comes to love. I either rush it or wait too long. Maybe I wasn't in love with her, only really wanted to be. I love her, don't get me wrong. I think she is a fantastic and great woman but I am not in love. I am getting older and maybe I settled for a comfy relationship that has easy going and just... easy, really. That leaves me with many questions now. During the course of this relationship I have really opened up with myself as well as with my ex. Maybe it is because I am getting older that I realize that I want a wife and dare I say it kids. The thought of a little me running around crashing in to things doesn't seem as bad as it used to, desirable even. You know what I think it is? I think it is because my birthday is this friday and I will be turning 30. I feel like I am in the movie Singles, or something. But in the past year I have really made great strides in changing my life. i am a late bloomer, I guees, 'cuz I just graduated from college and now I am working in a professional capacity and not just doing construction as I have for the past 7 years or so. Moving to Dallas has helped me focus on how I want to spend this next decade of my life. Actually I feel as if I have slingshot into the working world. I have started a company with my brothers selling stuff on ebay, electronic liquidators is what we are. this week is crazy because we are trying to buy our first load of product. exciting times.
But I am sidestepping my emotions again. I miss LaiLai yes and I am lonely even tho I work with my brothers, it is different, you know. It broke my heart that I never told her all the things that a good boyfriend should have said. There were alot of things I could have done better had I felt that she was "the one" as cliched as that sounds. what I mean is that I deprived both of us out of some great times had I just loosened up and relaxed emotionally. That is my problem tho, I think too hard and I try to solve problems that we as humans will never understand. And knowing what you feel is sometimes impossible and all we can do is over time hope that that feeling of being kicked in the gut will fade into a pulsing numbness.
I don't know if I hope that or not but I know not feeling it is worse than feeling it. For a long time I have had superficial relationships. A;though fun and happy they weren't all together fullfilling. The relationship that just ended was such a relationship. we learned much from each other and I liked it. I liked the maturity even tho we watched Family Guy and laughed when someone said, "boobie" or "fart." Yes, but I also learned, upon reflection, that the relationship was not as picture perfect as it may have seemed. A submissive by nature, she never asserted herself. Although I was quite assertive and she needn't really bother riling me up more, I find sass sexy. Well, just a little sass goes a long way when used correctly. Anyway, I find myself at a crossroads. do I go left, right or wait right here and call the devil?
But I am sidestepping my emotions again. I miss LaiLai yes and I am lonely even tho I work with my brothers, it is different, you know. It broke my heart that I never told her all the things that a good boyfriend should have said. There were alot of things I could have done better had I felt that she was "the one" as cliched as that sounds. what I mean is that I deprived both of us out of some great times had I just loosened up and relaxed emotionally. That is my problem tho, I think too hard and I try to solve problems that we as humans will never understand. And knowing what you feel is sometimes impossible and all we can do is over time hope that that feeling of being kicked in the gut will fade into a pulsing numbness.
I don't know if I hope that or not but I know not feeling it is worse than feeling it. For a long time I have had superficial relationships. A;though fun and happy they weren't all together fullfilling. The relationship that just ended was such a relationship. we learned much from each other and I liked it. I liked the maturity even tho we watched Family Guy and laughed when someone said, "boobie" or "fart." Yes, but I also learned, upon reflection, that the relationship was not as picture perfect as it may have seemed. A submissive by nature, she never asserted herself. Although I was quite assertive and she needn't really bother riling me up more, I find sass sexy. Well, just a little sass goes a long way when used correctly. Anyway, I find myself at a crossroads. do I go left, right or wait right here and call the devil?