Sigh....
Right now I need to talk to someone but the people I would talk to are gone right now.
So. Girl issues. As always.
I like her. And she obviously likes me. But its for the moment. And so for now I'm sitting here wondering if and when things will change. When will she get bored of me and move on? Unlike most people, I can't read her. I can't figure out exactly what she's feeling. And its because she puts up such a front. Its because she won't let anyone in really. I will say I've seen more of her then I think most anyone on earth. But there is still much she's yet to show me. We're not dating. And to be honest with you, I don't think we ever will. Because neither of us will feel like it's worth it. Plus she wants that sense of freedom. The ability to do what she wants without having to answer to anyone. But despite all the technicalities, feelings are feelings. And regardless of the label given to a relationship, it is of no matter on the actions we make. Dating or not, when you do something mean or selfish, it hurts the other person. I know this well. Sometimes I think I've grown up to fast. And yet other times I feel like the last one to catch wind of the news.
So yes, maybe I do think alot. Its my nature. And by no means will I change that or apologize for it. I know there are consequences for that kind of behavior though. I know that if I'm not careful, the weight of the world will be on my shoulders, that I will see the world through eyes of paranoia and negativity. I do not want that. But if I don't allow myself to think critically, then I lose a large part of who I am. I feel mature. I feel experienced. In rare moments, I feel wise. And the only reason I ever have these feelings is because I try my best to learn from every moment of my life. I told myself I will not become jaded or numb because of the pain I've felt in life. And yet, to be told that that is bad, that that is weak. Its a hard pill to swallow. And one I think I'd rather spit out. Its the ones that are closest to us that hurt us the most sometimes.
Nonetheless, I need to let go of some things. I need to accept the fact that the future is not for me to know. That I must do my best to enjoy my present because I have no idea when things will change. Its hard though. Its strange how people happen upon something great. But so often the great thing turns sour. All because we fear losing it. It is at that point it is truly lost. No matter what happens, no matter what period I am in my life, there will be questions. There will be insecurities. There will be fear and doubt. The question is: do I allow these feelings to stop me from following my heart? Do I allow these feelings to obstruct my path towards my dreams?
No.
So often, I find myself hating love.
Right now I need to talk to someone but the people I would talk to are gone right now.
So. Girl issues. As always.
I like her. And she obviously likes me. But its for the moment. And so for now I'm sitting here wondering if and when things will change. When will she get bored of me and move on? Unlike most people, I can't read her. I can't figure out exactly what she's feeling. And its because she puts up such a front. Its because she won't let anyone in really. I will say I've seen more of her then I think most anyone on earth. But there is still much she's yet to show me. We're not dating. And to be honest with you, I don't think we ever will. Because neither of us will feel like it's worth it. Plus she wants that sense of freedom. The ability to do what she wants without having to answer to anyone. But despite all the technicalities, feelings are feelings. And regardless of the label given to a relationship, it is of no matter on the actions we make. Dating or not, when you do something mean or selfish, it hurts the other person. I know this well. Sometimes I think I've grown up to fast. And yet other times I feel like the last one to catch wind of the news.
So yes, maybe I do think alot. Its my nature. And by no means will I change that or apologize for it. I know there are consequences for that kind of behavior though. I know that if I'm not careful, the weight of the world will be on my shoulders, that I will see the world through eyes of paranoia and negativity. I do not want that. But if I don't allow myself to think critically, then I lose a large part of who I am. I feel mature. I feel experienced. In rare moments, I feel wise. And the only reason I ever have these feelings is because I try my best to learn from every moment of my life. I told myself I will not become jaded or numb because of the pain I've felt in life. And yet, to be told that that is bad, that that is weak. Its a hard pill to swallow. And one I think I'd rather spit out. Its the ones that are closest to us that hurt us the most sometimes.
Nonetheless, I need to let go of some things. I need to accept the fact that the future is not for me to know. That I must do my best to enjoy my present because I have no idea when things will change. Its hard though. Its strange how people happen upon something great. But so often the great thing turns sour. All because we fear losing it. It is at that point it is truly lost. No matter what happens, no matter what period I am in my life, there will be questions. There will be insecurities. There will be fear and doubt. The question is: do I allow these feelings to stop me from following my heart? Do I allow these feelings to obstruct my path towards my dreams?
No.
So often, I find myself hating love.