go_lately

i think i have to raise the dosage of my meds again. fuck.

i hate this, i hate it so much, i hate being dependent on medication, on chemicals to survive, and don't anyone tell me that that's not true, that i don't need meds, that i need to find peace and strength within myself because my sickness is probably 98% chemical, i'll probably have to be on medication for the rest of my life.

i dont even know how long that's going to be anymore. i'm on my 3rd medication in 2 years, i've already raised the dosage on this one (effexor; i've already gone through celexa and prozac) once before, and now i'll be up to 300mg. can i last another 5 years like this? what if none of the meds work anymore, what if i'm at max dosage and i'm at the end and there's nothing left? i'm really scared. i don't want to die, i don't, but god help me i'd rather die than live this.

some days i feel so good. i feel like a normal person, like i have normal emotions. i get sad, i get happy, i laugh, i frown. but days like these i can't feel anything, i can't do anything except curl and hide; i can't be around daylight, i can't be around people, even feeding my animals requires so much effort. i watch my plants die and i hate myself for not being able to water them.

i'm sorry for bringing anyone who reads this so far into my world. i'm usually very private about this. but tonight i was just suddenly struck by a fear that i will not be able to conquer this, that it will win, and i will have to die. because living this . . . oh god. i couldn't do it. i'm terrified that one day, there will be nothing left to help me.