gnomef0cker

Thank ALL of you for your kind words about my situtation with this fella. I went over to his place and we ended up having a heated makeout session that was about to evolve until I told him to stop. I told him last night exactly how I was feeling. I cried a bit, maybe because I haven't cried in a long time, maybe cause I was actually sad... We didn't break up but discussed a lot of topics like ideal mates and our genuiine feelings about the relationship.

He had a notebook and in a flirtatious/happy mood I said oooo, google notebook. I held it but asked if I could read it, assuming he'd say yes of course. He just started working there and it seemed like it would be empty. He said no then took it from me, showed me a page with a stereo list and closed it. Obviously my suspicions arose and I looked at the book when he went to the bathroom. I felt truly guilty for looking but knew he was hiding something from me. What I read made me sad for him. It said something along the lines of:

"I'm not happy and I don't know how to be.

What I'm doing isn't helping."

[[[[~Ahem, wounded bird.... you are so cute and crippled. Let me love you.~]]]]

I had just divulged my sadness and figured he'd be open to talk about it as well. I was already curious about the notebook so I asked him again if he'd tell me what was in there and why he wouldn't show me.

He said he wouldn't tell me, it had nothing to do with me, and that he was sorry he couldn't tell me.

Helllloooo wall.

I try again. 3rd times charm? (More like I want to be in a relationship that lasts longer than 2 friggin months. I've never had one that worked. I don't think I'm that broken, I just don't know how to choose 'em.)

I ask him to come over and watch a movie after work or i'll head over there. He never replies to the phonetext. I IM'ed him at work and after 20 minutes of my IM being sent to him I get a hasty response of "I'm going hiking with new friends from work over here. I'll call you when I get back. *sign off*" This means he won't be back until about 9pm and he usually goes to bed at about 10 or 11...

My old friend, a true partier, and fun guy is heading over here tonight and wants me to chill with him and a few of his "homepeople." So I'm giong to party, call my boyfriend when i'm drunk, and tell him that I'm holding out for something real. Wish me courage!