glamerdork

you know, a part of me really wishes i worked my ass off in high school and got myself into a good college. i mean, like a really good college. one with a fancy name that everyone goes "oooh, ahhh" when they hear you go there. but instead i go to some third rate private institution that only makes the "best colleges list" in terms of "happiest students" and even that is a joke. now with a 3.1 gpa and 300 credits to my name, i've ended the dream with a sour fading away of the picture in my head of me sitting in a classroom surrounded by others who loved academia more than anything in the world. but- that's not me. i like to dream of it, though. instead of living it. and instead of living it, i date a guy who went to one of the ivys. that's not why i date him, but it's certainly fun to live vicariously. i have a friend at stanford and another at NYU. smart people. how I long to be one of *them*. Yet here I sit, 2:28am, dreaming of a day when I'll somehow be accepted to graduate school at Columbia or Northwestern or Harvard and in reality i'm just wasting away the hours when I should be finishing a paper and film viewing for my 9am class. See, I never care about the now, it's always the future that i'm dreaming of. This is my problem. I'm terrified of the now, because then I'll have to come to realization that i'm just never going to be that good. That intelligent. That- perfect. Instead, I make up excuses left and right. Oh, well tomorrow I'll.. the next day... the next year-- well someday I'll write a book and it will be a best seller. Everyone will finally realize how brilliant I was- how brilliant I am. People will suddenly pay attention to me, even without a degree from any important school. And maybe then I'll be good enough for him too. Feel so lame with my BFA in theatre studies. I don't even know a great deal about theatre, nor do I care about it anymore. I want to change the world. I think this is my problem. My goals are always too damn big. So I give up quickly. Need more reachable goals. Like- oh- i don't know, getting a job once i graduate. But even that seems impossible. What am I going to do? Whine for a living? Be distracted? Hey, any side show need a new freak? What do I do? Well, I sleep. And I. Um. Surf the internet a lot. Waste time... yes, I'm brilliant at wasting time. Sometimes I'm even good at random bursts of organization. Like. I'll put an entire bookshelf full of books in alphabetical order. Oh, but the rest of my room and everything else will stay a mess. What? Did you expect me to clean it all? -- hmm. I just want to... become a name. A somebody. A celebrity, but a celebrity with an idea behind her name. Her image. A philosopher. A philantrophist. Someone with something important to say, and the confidence of knowing that important people will listen. Ah- it's just a stupid socially constructed dream anyway. The one that i've made for myself because it seems like it's the only way to finally get revenge on everyone who ever said that i was never going to amount to anything, that i was destroying myself-- i mean, how did i get this far? it's kind of funny that i'm a senior in college. any college. really, it's fucking hilarious. I don't belong here. But I'm here. And I will graduate with my 3.0something and that will be that. I'll probably never touch school again. Maybe when I graduate I'll finally be able to learn. Because it will stop being for everybody else. I'll take my education into my own hands. But now. I just feel so stupid. Like my mind is empty. Or filled with egotistic thoughts. Narcissitic thoughts. Can't focus enough to learn much at all. Still wonder if drugs could help. Still against looking to drugs for an answer. Tired now. Need to finish this paper. Best time to update my sg journal, huh? ...I wonder how I get people to listen to what I have to say... but of course first I have to figure out what it is I want to say. And organize that. Before all that, I need to do my internship next quarter. And do a good job at it. And not make any mistakes (although I always, ALWAYS make mistakes- even when I try my hardest not to) -- i just seem to be one huge failure. but it feels like all the failure is leading up to something bigger. better. what is it? does it exist? probably not. but i can't give up. because then I'll never know.