glamerdork

I just want some stability in my life. To feel I can trust someone... maybe even to fall in love. I don't even believe in love, in its spiritual sense, anyway- but I want to feel cared about. And I want to care about that person more than anything in the world. Hopless Romantic is just another word for psychopath-- this need to feel entirely devouted to one other person-- this falling apart, shattering when the fantasy you've created for yourself has been destroyed. Everyone goes through broken hearts and moves on, so I guess we've all got a little crazy inside of us-- we all get hurt when our expectations aren't met. What expectations are healthy from a relationship? How can one let themself be vulnerable and yet be fully prepared to be hurt at any moment? -- It seems impossible to have such a thing as a 'heathly relationship.' I just want someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and to mean it. To inspire me. Someone to make life worth living. I guess that's where I turn crazy, because I'm so damn codependent-- I mean, I can be happy when I'm single, but then once I'm dating someone-- either I don't let myself get close and I pretend the other person does not have feelings or I do let myself get close, and then I get hurt... because... i guess what i'm really asking for is this reciprical obsession. And I know, I know that's not healthy. Just reading that sounds quite far from healthy indeed. Growing up with an abusive father, I don't know what love should be. So I'm lost... here... with a broken heart. I want someone to be able to read my mind- to do things for me without me having to ask. Not bring me flowers or chocolates or anything- but just to-- really show they care. Because I have such a hard time trusting people... and each time I fall apart it becomes harder and harder. I don't know if there is a solution for this- I go to a therapist once a week and she knows how screwed up I am. But-- it's how I was raised. It's such an intregal part of who I am now. Maybe I can change- but I don't know. I just don't know.