glamerdork

When one attends a party themed around the seven deadly sins, it's hard to keep away from evil-doing. After hours of hairdying insanity and an end result far from what I had originally wanted (but interesting looking, just the same) my friends and I got to the part-ay at 1:10... a few minutes after my boyfriend arrived.

My hair is redorange in the front turning into a yellow orange blond in the back. It's kind of funky... i think i like it. It's definitely very different from anything I've ever done before. I'll have to get a pic of the new do' and post asap. Anyway...

I was dressed up in my long black velvet skirt and corset, with black lipstick topped w/ irridescent glitter. I wanted to look hot for him. Usually I go to parties hoping to somehow attract others... but never actually do. This time, i didn't need to go for that reason. I wasn't sure he was going to show up, but I figured Chris wouldn't miss a good party unless he was dead (or still at work.) He was able to get out early, so he got there. And the group of my friends... who had nothing to do all day... got there later.

Anyway, to make a long unimportant story short, now he's slightly mad at me. I'm pretty sure it's because I was being a bit physically flirtatious w/ V... the thing about V... she was kind of involved w/ the two of us from the get-go. The whole relationship blossomed from a prequel to a threesome chain of events. There hasn't been a threesome (exactly) yet, and I doubt there ever will be. I don't even want there to be one! It's just... my boyfriend gets crazy jealous. He's got lots of issues (doesn't everybody?) and they all relate to his insecurities. So he wants a girlfriend to give him all the attention in the world... which is understandable. It's just that I'm paranoid about giving people too much attention. For so much of my life I've been the one to obsess over people I couldn't have and scare them away. Now I have someone who basically WANTS me to obsess over him, it's just -- too hard. I could easily give him that attention if we weren't together. I know that's fucked up, but it's just the way I work.

So he's coming over tonight. He already begun the guilt trip while I talked to him on the phone. You know... I really can't stand this. He's an amazing person. Beautiful, handsome, funny, smart, charming... I'm sure he doesn't believe I honestly think these things about him, but I do. And when I go and flirt w/ other people (girls, boys, whatever) he gets jealous. Oh-- but he goes and flirts w/ boys and that's fine... because he's "straight" so it doesn't count. Okay-- so I was licking *her* stomach. But... he definitely was grinding his ass into this other guys most private regions. Not that I care... in fact, I think it's kind of hot. Oh, but he would take me not caring about that as another sign that I didn't want him enough.

Maybe we're just not right for another.

Uhhmm... wait, I figured that one out a long time ago.

but i want to be right for him, damnit. I'd even be willing to change myself into his ideal person (as unhealthy as that would be) except i can't put my finger on who that would be. I think his ideal woman might be the one person who I could never act out. She's just about everything I'm not. I don't get why he even likes me. I'm starting to think he doesn't. He might want to like me... but I'm NOTHING like the other girls he's dated. He could have anyone... why the hell is he with me?

[[I hate the way he makes me feel sometimes.]]

He makes me want to grab some kind of sharp object and jab it into the sudden thick ache in my chest. If he really cared about me, he wouldn't make me feel this way. Or maybe he would.. maybe we wants me to feel this way because that's his way of knowing that I do care. I dunno. Relationships are just plain fucked.

Yet... all I want to do right now is hold him.