glamerdork

With one contact in my eye
my left eye
i can't see
but does it matter
my leg shakes
my right leg
I see the fat on my thigh pulsating
unfortunately in rythym underneath my jeans
I am at a point of desperation
desolation
I sincreely believe I am
ugly
awful
terrible
and no one can change my belief because i know
it's true
why am I writing it here, then
to the world
to the few people who care to read this
i'm not writing it for you
i'm just sitting here,
it's a bit till two
i'm too fragile of a person
i do not deserve life
and i am a burden to all those who know me
whether or not they believe so now or not-
is irregardless,
no offense to those of you out there
who would wish to debate otherwsie
I am a monster
and I do not,
should not be here
now...
I don't know...
ever since that evening
a few weeks ago
when I let my brain
alter by the combination of products
I...
haven't been here anyway
life is surreal
the sky
periwinkle
and blue
and grey
my mind lost in a state of zombie play
the music pounds on and on
i no longer care
did i ever care
i just want it all to go away
because it's pointless
my talenets are flawed
i've got no one to impress anymore
i made them all go away
shut them out
locked the door
i fail
i fail
miserably
every time
i fail
and the days
i think i can
succeed
i fall
harder
and harder
further and further
down I hit cement
I hit the ocean waves
a belly flop from a hundred miles above
skydiving without rip cord
falling
eternally
jumping out of unidentified flying obsessions
hitting the ground
it hurts
i can't stop
it doesn't stop
people look at me with disgust
the world hates me
as a whole
not indidivually
they all want me to go away
deep down
it's true
i believe them
i know them
i understand
if I weren't here
if I werent' allowed to interact with humanity
if I were kept in a locked box
no longer could I destroy all that lies in my path
it could all...
just work
function
it would be better
so much better
without...
but as always
i'm guilty of
not giving a shit what's good for others
for...
making the world suffer
I talk about myself
all the time
I think about myself
every second of the day
I am
an awful person.
I know it
that's just how it is
there are some people in this world
with good hearts
who are good people
and they deserve all the love
that comes to them
others want to be around them
they are entertaining
they can make people laugh
they can hold people when they cry
without feeling creepy for caring
I am not one of those people.
I will never be.
Why am I here?
Why do I
bother.