I'm convinced I'm finally growing up, or something. Sure, I still have my old somewhat obsessive ways, but it all seems overly ridiculous to me now. I don't think my therapist has worked with anyone like me before and she's a bit unsure of what to advise. On one hand, the majority of my thoughts are quite irrational. On the other, then actually make quite a lot of logical sense if you follow them through and compare them to the rest of things I believe/ think.
For instance, I do not really like the idea of dating as a short term thing. It's not to say that I don't see a point to it, it's just that I know how I am with people and I figure either I will fall head over heals in love with them (note, this hasn't happened yet. At least not with someone who likes me back) *or* I'm dating them and they like me a lot and try as I might I can't become emotionally attatched to them, so I end up having to hurt them and break it off. And I pretty much knew at the beginning of the relationship that this would happen, but I wanted to be politically correct... I wanted to give them a chance, see if something would grow from it...
my therapist summarizes my dating philosophy with the phrase, "so... you basically avoid living." -- Exactly. Well. Not exactly. I just don't see a point to dating people I'm not 100% into. And I don't see a point in dating people I am 100% into because then I will loose control of my thoughts and actions and probably do a lot of things I'll regret years down the line. So, what's the point of dating, really? It's not like I have the easiest time meeting people. I've pretty much figured that I'm only going to be able to find people to date over the internet. In real life, I can't talk to people I like. My words trip over themselves and I turn bright red. And no matter what the situation, I always end up seeming incredibly rude.
So- the only problem with my whole anti-dating until I'm 30 something thing is this- I really like sex. Well. Not sex, exactly. But having someone to cuddle with. Someone to sleep next to. Someone to talk to.
Which is why the other day I was thinking, I really should just find someone now who I want to spend my life with and get married or something. Just to get that part of it all out of the way. Get it done with and put a lid on it. Then, no more obsessions. No more wanting something else in that part of my life. Instead, I'll have stability there and I can go on to focus on my art or whatever it is I end up doing with my life. It all sounds really silly, I know, but I'm sick of falling for people I can't be with. It hurts too much. And it's not even that I'm saying this from the self-hating portion of my psyche. Actually, I'm just being honest with myself. My personality is not one that most guys or girls would find attractive. Neither are my pysical features. And for those who find one attractive, they most likely will not appreciate the other. But I'm not depressed about it all. I don't need to "live" in the way my therapists describes the term. Nah. I've got the internet. And I've got my friends. And more importantly I've got theatre. Writing. A thousand different means of expression. Heck, if I'm feeling desperate for some "life" I'll sit down and write a scene. I can have all the drama, get it out and leave without ever hurting anyone. I won't seem creepy. I won't seem fucked up (so much.) Maybe one day I'll actually write a play. A full play. And people will find it interesting. They can go see a production of it, enjoy it for what it's worth and then leave. They won't have to deal with them becoming attached to it or even worse it becoming attached to them.
In any case, I'm really not depressed now. I've got a shit load of stuff to do, as always, but more than anything I'm just glad to have most of this day to just lie around and do nothing. Of course I really shouldn't be doing nothing, but it feels so nice to just sit here... in my apartment... my roommates have gone to work and the only sounds I hear are my noisy upstairs neighbors and the El train going by. It's nice. Real nice.
For instance, I do not really like the idea of dating as a short term thing. It's not to say that I don't see a point to it, it's just that I know how I am with people and I figure either I will fall head over heals in love with them (note, this hasn't happened yet. At least not with someone who likes me back) *or* I'm dating them and they like me a lot and try as I might I can't become emotionally attatched to them, so I end up having to hurt them and break it off. And I pretty much knew at the beginning of the relationship that this would happen, but I wanted to be politically correct... I wanted to give them a chance, see if something would grow from it...
my therapist summarizes my dating philosophy with the phrase, "so... you basically avoid living." -- Exactly. Well. Not exactly. I just don't see a point to dating people I'm not 100% into. And I don't see a point in dating people I am 100% into because then I will loose control of my thoughts and actions and probably do a lot of things I'll regret years down the line. So, what's the point of dating, really? It's not like I have the easiest time meeting people. I've pretty much figured that I'm only going to be able to find people to date over the internet. In real life, I can't talk to people I like. My words trip over themselves and I turn bright red. And no matter what the situation, I always end up seeming incredibly rude.
So- the only problem with my whole anti-dating until I'm 30 something thing is this- I really like sex. Well. Not sex, exactly. But having someone to cuddle with. Someone to sleep next to. Someone to talk to.
Which is why the other day I was thinking, I really should just find someone now who I want to spend my life with and get married or something. Just to get that part of it all out of the way. Get it done with and put a lid on it. Then, no more obsessions. No more wanting something else in that part of my life. Instead, I'll have stability there and I can go on to focus on my art or whatever it is I end up doing with my life. It all sounds really silly, I know, but I'm sick of falling for people I can't be with. It hurts too much. And it's not even that I'm saying this from the self-hating portion of my psyche. Actually, I'm just being honest with myself. My personality is not one that most guys or girls would find attractive. Neither are my pysical features. And for those who find one attractive, they most likely will not appreciate the other. But I'm not depressed about it all. I don't need to "live" in the way my therapists describes the term. Nah. I've got the internet. And I've got my friends. And more importantly I've got theatre. Writing. A thousand different means of expression. Heck, if I'm feeling desperate for some "life" I'll sit down and write a scene. I can have all the drama, get it out and leave without ever hurting anyone. I won't seem creepy. I won't seem fucked up (so much.) Maybe one day I'll actually write a play. A full play. And people will find it interesting. They can go see a production of it, enjoy it for what it's worth and then leave. They won't have to deal with them becoming attached to it or even worse it becoming attached to them.
In any case, I'm really not depressed now. I've got a shit load of stuff to do, as always, but more than anything I'm just glad to have most of this day to just lie around and do nothing. Of course I really shouldn't be doing nothing, but it feels so nice to just sit here... in my apartment... my roommates have gone to work and the only sounds I hear are my noisy upstairs neighbors and the El train going by. It's nice. Real nice.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
Reading your entry I have to say Fuck having a life. Fantasy is somuch better than reality. Especially if your gifted with enough imagination to construct them