glamerdork

The one good thing about barely being able to get to a computer with the internet is that when I finally do get back to suicidegirls.com, there are so many beautiful photo sets for me to browse (not to mention all of the intelligent posts from those on my friends list)-- It's a good thing i've got all night.

Anyway-- school starts up again in two weeks. My schedule is insane for the third year in a row. Sound Design I, Dramatic Crit, Beginning painting, Directing I, playwrighting, Scene Design I, and Theatrical Collaboration. Plus I'm assistant scenic designing a show that opens in october. Eh, but I love keeping busy. Takes away the time for depressing thoughts.


Part of IM conversation I had w/ a friend tongiht: when i was younger i was on the swim team. And i was an awful swimmer. I always lost. But it wasn't even about getting last place. When I got older, I sometimes swam 8 lap races... and they'd kill me. By the 4th lap i wanted to stop. By the 6th i felt my entire body go numb... but i knew i had to finish. I mean i could easily stop, get out of the water, say fuck this, what's the point- i'm going to finish last and get out and feel like shit anyway. But something... i don't know... something kept me going. I didn't want people to think i was a quitter. I think that's the worst... I mean, I didn't mind failing... but I didn't want anyone to think I just gave in. That's what life feels like for me. I feel like i have something to prove to the world. But deep down I know I want to prove it to myself. To be able to lookback on all the things I've done... all the people i've helped... i mean, to me, all i am is what i've done.