glamerdork

i'm not used to it.


Half of my room is clean. The bookshelf is organized with all of the books I've been meaning to read. My dresser top is now clear of papers. The majority of papers once laying around my floor are now organized neatly in file folders in a hanging folder plastic box. Let's not talk about the other half of the room, for now.

So... I'm still at a loss regarding what to think about the world of online personals. One guy that I was really looking forward to meeting flipped out because he realized that if he was to go on a date with me, he'd have to be competing for me since I've gotten a billion e-mail responses to my post, and then the whole scenerio would somehow force him to objectify me, as it would reinforce a certain gender dynamic between man/woman that he does not like.

And that got me thinking...

I'm the gal who has always been ignored by the majority of men and women I was remotely interested in, or even those who I wasn't interested in. I've been the outcast in the corner my whole life - well, sometimes the outcast on stage, sometimes the outcast in the middle of the hallway painting the courtyard, but nonetheless, I'm just not used to all of the attention. And this attention isn't real, anyway, it's not like I can walk into a bar and get hit on by anyone who isn't the fuck-anything-that-moves type.

Still, reading the e-mail from that guy really threw me. It actually hurt because I realized a part of me wants to be objectified. And then that got me thinking more... maybe what I wanted out of my last relationship wasn't love at all. Maybe love was already there, but what I wanted was for my boyfriend to be able to objectify me and he couldn't. To be an object of desire. To be worth chasing after and competing for. Because I've never known that. And I think everyone wants a little bit to be that girl or guy that is chased after. It's not fun to be the chaser, but then again a part of all of us love the chase - as long as we win in the end, right?

In a somewhat unrelated pondering...

When it comes to physical intimacy, though, I wonder if it's possible for really great sex to exist without some amount of objectification, some sort of created taboo. Yes, there are a hundred and two different kinds of sex, and there is the whole spectrum from making love to animalistic fucking (and everything in between), but - I wonder how much of the enjoyment of a certain kind of sex is a psychological thing and how much is just part of who we are as human beings - as animals. But the objectification part is purely psychological, I think. Is it our culture, is it shows like "Red Shoe Diaries" and our easy access to pornography that reinforces that desire?

I haven't really gotten to any conclusion on this... it's just something I've been wondering as I placed my books on the tiny bookcase.

Hmm...