girlysound

a. Let me elaborate. During the past year I have really cleaned up my act. I quit drinking all the time (I still go out but I'm trying to clean up my act). I realized that the reason I drank all the time is I needed people around me and then I would freak out and leave for a month or so without telling them what was going on. I try not to do that but I'm sure it occurs occasionally.
b. I started learning how to spend time by myself. After I quit drinking i had to find something to do with my time. I started cooking instead of living off of lean cuisines and I feel better. Also, I feel like I'm eating more but lost weight. Who would have thought.
c. Life is going to be a lot different than I envisioned it. A lot of my life will be reading, painting and educating myself. I love to learn. I love to read philosophy/ fem lit and build ideas upon what has been previously laid in front of me. While this will always be important to me I want a clan of my own aka the possibility of children has crept into my line of vision. I never thought it was something I wanted until this year. It freaks me out but I guess change in personal philosophies always does that.
d. I can see that time is starting to shape my body and while I don't mind, I can't believe it either. My body is starting to show that it has been living, moving, shaking, dancing, fucking and falling. It's a map to remember where things have been placed and marked with an "x" and areas that I should avoid. I love it.
e. I'm learning I will fuck up and be wrong and there isn't anything I can do about it after the fact. I always feel that I have to be "right" and therefore, I am always fighting the good fight. There are too many sides to always be on the right side fighting for what is just. Sometimes you have to throw up your hands and say, "fuck, I guess I have to learn from this and hopefully I won't make the same mistake again."
Examples from my life, yeah it's kind of personal:on that note, I really fucked up this week with someone I love and I feel like hell about it. My younger years were full of lying to one parent for the other and vice versa. I was the middle child and also the out-going, spunky, cute kid. Therefore, both parents would want me on their side berating the other. Whispering in my ear to tell the other something that wasn't true or make sure not to disclose "such and such". To this day my father really has no idea about the things his ex-wife and kids have done. I've been to France and Spain, he isn't allowed to know or he would wonder where we found the money to do so. My mother doesn't know, huh, pretty much everything about my father bc she would cry and I don't want her to worry about anything more than necessary. So what I am saying, is I grew up a liar to make everyone feel better while I felt guilty as hell, like I was balancing everything that was around me. I need to stop. It isn't healthy for me or for those I care about. There, the conscience choice has been made.