girlb0t

I came home last night, or rather this morning to an angry family. I guess my dad went out looking for me, because they woke up in the middle of the night...and I wasn't there. I told my sister through a text with my phone i'd be home late and that my phone was dying. But i guess it never went through. That drive home was horrible. It's probably one of the worst feelings knowing you're going to get yelled at or called names as soon as you get home. By 3 people. All at once. I got home and opened the door quietly. But my sister was awake...she started yelling at me, saying how I was a moron, and how i was selfish, and how I never seem to think anything through. And then i called my dad, to tell him i was home...and he, just the sound of his voice was accusations. My mom in the mornin' didn't even look at me, all she said was, "we're going to talk about last night later." I'm always the problem...my mom when i called her today to ask her about some candy bags left on my bed...started the guilt trip. "I always have to hear it from your father, i always get blamed for your guys' shit...she said you either shape up or get out. You know a long time ago, i tried my hardest to be the perfect daughter. the "Ideal" daughter according to them, I got the grades, i stayed away from alcohol, from drugs, I went to church every sunday & wednesday for 19 years of my life, I didn't have a boyfriend, (because to them it was wrong) I wasn't even allowed to have guy friends around because of my dad, I never talked back, I never went out. And if i did my curfew was 9pm. I was "saving" my self for marriage. All of the ideas were implanted in my head...Sex was "wrong...." If you had sex before marriage you were a whore, and your life was gonna go in the shitter. And then I went away to college...and i changed, i think i changed into my exact opposite....not because it was on purpose but i think because i was finally able to be who i wanted to be, i was able to experience and try things without having someone throw the bible at me, without having someone criticize my every move, or tell me how stupid and selfish i was.
Sometimes its good to make mistakes. To go through shit, i found out who i really was. And who i wasn't. You know how people say there's a lot of kids who choose to be a certain political party not because they like that party but because their parents do, and they use their parents excuses and arguments, almost as if their trained that way. I was formed into this person, i would go as far as almost brain washed, forced to attend church.
You know i don't go to church anymore not because i think the bible is false. I just don't understand if we're all sinners, helpless, and prone to evil...how can anyone really interpret what the bible says....most people just twist things, to their advantage...to control people...and alot of the bible is in parables. So idk. My sister still tries to get me to go to church. But i rather not be a hypocrite...and pretend to be good with god, and a believer. I have my doubts, i don't agree with what is interpreted...and I don't believe that being gay is a sin, or that you can change it...if you knew me about 2 or 3 years ago...you wouldn't be able to believe that i'm saying that now. And i don't believe that everyone who isn't saved goes to hell. Can you really say thats fair to people in small islands, or places where the bible is never spoken of? Is that really fair to condemn them? Why is it all our fault that adam, eve ate from the forbidden fruit? Yes we're suppose to be their decendents...but why should we pay for their actions...why should we have supposedly been born evil, because of them? Why do so many people judge? My sister, who's supposedly saved, and is a Baptist christian...i find her judging people even more than me. And hold grudges against my mom, i thought you weren't suppose to hold grudges...but rather love people unconditionally. Forgive, and leave things up to god. And i know they say that even though you're saved, you still are a sinner...the only thing is now you have the blood of christ to wash away your sins..and etc...but I find myself not really in the presence of people who through their actions and words seem to be real christians, like the paul, and noah, and moses described in the bible. Honestly i could say those people in the middle east, or other places who become christians and then are martyrs i think they're the real christians. They're willing to die, and not even look back right before death consumes them for the name of christ. Idk, when i look around i just see hypocrites...and i rather just be blunt and say i have my doubts, and i'm not going to pretend to be something i'm not. I know this got into a whole religious thing...but i think that's what upsets me the most, is it was forced upon me. Religion should never be forced. I don't think you should make someone purposely feel guilty so that they come to church. Shouldn't it be their desire? Shouldn't you wait till they want to seek answers about their soul or etc...shouldn't that be when you say hey look, here are the answers my friend. I do think their is a god, and I do think he loves us...but for the most part i don't think we love him. I think people twisted things, and forced things upon people...that you don't want anything to deal with that. Some religions just seem so sexist, and prejudice...and i don't think the bible was written to be that way...people just made it that way.
But idk, that's just my thoughts.