As far back as I can remember my first few years of growing up was in the city of Azuza, California. I had a older brother Jesse (11 years older to be exact) and an older sister Krystal (3 years older). I was the baby of the family. My father immigrated to the United States when he was in his late twenty's and my mother was brought to the U.S. when she was around 12 years old. My mother like so many women now-a-days was married several times (3 to be exact). She married once when she was 20, to the "love of her life," 2nd time she married and had a baby boy, his name was Jesse (my brother). But her husband was abusive and an even worse father, she left him and headed to LA. My mother Gloria was a single mother in the early 70's. She was always in search of love, and someone who was willing to not only lover her, but her son. She met him at a Night club in the city of Los Angeles. She claimed to have loved him up until the first time he hurt her, not physically but emotionally. He was a liar from the start. He was already married to another woman supposedly only to obtain his green card, but still a liar. This was the beginning of 20 painful years.
Even when I re-read this beginning i see the biased view on their life together...I don't blame everything on my dad, i try to remember it takes TWO to tango.
Ever since I could remember my parents have fought. And if you're sitting there thinking (every couple fights) well yes that's true. But between those fights there are loving moments...there was never any loving moments between them. Not even when they created us, we were created out of lust, not love.
There's a difference.
My mom and dad, fought practically everyday, sometimes more than once. And it was always about the same things...Money. Money is the ROOT of all Evil. You see, my mother stays with my father because of money, all they always talk about it is money, and money seems to cause all of our problems. Not all...most.
My father never really took any of his anger out on me and my sister, But after getting his diabetes, he totally changed. Nothing was ever "Good Enough." Me & my sister never gave my parents any problems, we respected them, we were well mannered, respected our elders, we never did drugs, or drank, or slept around. We went to church every sunday, and wednesday. We did everything possible to be the "perfect daughter." And my brother the perfect son. My brother moved out right away after he got out of high school and went off to college. He married young, partly because it was an escape route. He always felt that if he left, my parents would finally get a long. Live peacefully. It was never any of our faults.
Jr. High is when it got bad. I don't remember much of elementary...except happy moments, so i always call those my happy years. But when high school hit, that's when everything seemed to fall apart. My dad cheated on my mom when i was in elementary. You know what the memory I had long forgotten...
I actually did meet my her. I have a half sister.
My dad took me to his mistress's house, to meet my baby sister. I can still remember the touch of her little fingertips on my eye lids. I didn't even know that was my baby sister...until years later...
Jr. High is when all of this came out. My mother and father started fighting more. I do blame my mother for is making me and my sister grow up way to fast. She should have never put us in the middle of her and my father...me and my sister were like a marriage counselor to my parents. They'd come to us and tell us all this shit. Imagine being 11 and your mom comes to you with how much she hates this and that about your father, and what he did...and then try not growing up with a bias view of your father. I hated my father at points in my life. What he did was never right, but he was still my dad. Still is. Jr. High is when my mom started with the emotional abuse. My father would emotionally abuse my mom, and in turn my mom would do it to me and my sister. She blamed us for her misery. She told us she wished we were never born, and that we were mistakes. I remember riding to school one day and she called me a Bitch. I think I cried all day that day at school. That's not such a big word now...but then it was...I remember my mom would sit and watch movies after coming home from work...and i'd draw little cards, saying i'm sorry to her. I'd crawl up behind the couch and slide them next to her feet. What was i sorry for? Making her mad. I use to believe that it was my fault. And she believed it was my and my sisters fault.
My mother always said things out anger, whether she means them or not...I always forgave her. Tonight i realize it is apparent that my sister never forgave my mother. I can't recall everything my sister went through but i'm sure my parents were even worse with her than with me.
Highschool was thee most depressing years/ happiest of my life. Weird huh? I use to cut myself...I'd always blame myself for my parents unhappiness. After all the years of emotional abuse, I had come to the conclusion that if i killed myself the world would be a much better place. It makes you think what shit does a person have to be put through in order to get them at this stage. I mean there were plenty of so called "cutters" in high school...and i could agree with a lot of people a lot of them wanted attention. But like most...it was a cry for help. I always thought that was stupid...until i got to that point where I wanted help.
She was my HS best friend, and she will forever have a place in my heart. She literally saved my life. And I literally saved hers. You know how people say when you're feeling like shit about your life, think about how many more people have it worst. This is true. She had it worst. But because of her I knew I could survive the pain to. She had been thru physical abuse, she had seen family/friends die literally infront of her, or found them. I have always looked up to her. And this past year I found out during all that time she was dealing with cancer as well. She's okay now.
My home has always been an unhappy one, but i guess no one's home is perfect. It's just hard after all of the emotional abuse, all of this shit that has gone down...it's hard to walk out...normal...and not fucked up. Back in the beginning of Sept. I was going to permanently leave home for good....because everyone started fighting at home and my mom told me and my sister "Why don't you guys just kill your selves and get it over with." Not only did that hurt, but i was pissed as fuck. She begged me to come back home, I did only because of her health...i knew my dad would give her hell. And i didn't want her having a heartattack. I wish i could blog every detail every event that happened while i was growing up...but there'd be far to many. My mom still doesn't know that I use to cut myself. Infact no one in my family knows...
So now some of you know, My dad is one of the very reasons why I hate cheaters.
I don't tolerate cheaters. FUCK THAT.
Anyways...I just needed to vent. Today was Fuckin' shyt.
Hopefully tomorrow is better.
Even when I re-read this beginning i see the biased view on their life together...I don't blame everything on my dad, i try to remember it takes TWO to tango.
Ever since I could remember my parents have fought. And if you're sitting there thinking (every couple fights) well yes that's true. But between those fights there are loving moments...there was never any loving moments between them. Not even when they created us, we were created out of lust, not love.
There's a difference.
My mom and dad, fought practically everyday, sometimes more than once. And it was always about the same things...Money. Money is the ROOT of all Evil. You see, my mother stays with my father because of money, all they always talk about it is money, and money seems to cause all of our problems. Not all...most.
My father never really took any of his anger out on me and my sister, But after getting his diabetes, he totally changed. Nothing was ever "Good Enough." Me & my sister never gave my parents any problems, we respected them, we were well mannered, respected our elders, we never did drugs, or drank, or slept around. We went to church every sunday, and wednesday. We did everything possible to be the "perfect daughter." And my brother the perfect son. My brother moved out right away after he got out of high school and went off to college. He married young, partly because it was an escape route. He always felt that if he left, my parents would finally get a long. Live peacefully. It was never any of our faults.
Jr. High is when it got bad. I don't remember much of elementary...except happy moments, so i always call those my happy years. But when high school hit, that's when everything seemed to fall apart. My dad cheated on my mom when i was in elementary. You know what the memory I had long forgotten...
I actually did meet my her. I have a half sister.
My dad took me to his mistress's house, to meet my baby sister. I can still remember the touch of her little fingertips on my eye lids. I didn't even know that was my baby sister...until years later...
Jr. High is when all of this came out. My mother and father started fighting more. I do blame my mother for is making me and my sister grow up way to fast. She should have never put us in the middle of her and my father...me and my sister were like a marriage counselor to my parents. They'd come to us and tell us all this shit. Imagine being 11 and your mom comes to you with how much she hates this and that about your father, and what he did...and then try not growing up with a bias view of your father. I hated my father at points in my life. What he did was never right, but he was still my dad. Still is. Jr. High is when my mom started with the emotional abuse. My father would emotionally abuse my mom, and in turn my mom would do it to me and my sister. She blamed us for her misery. She told us she wished we were never born, and that we were mistakes. I remember riding to school one day and she called me a Bitch. I think I cried all day that day at school. That's not such a big word now...but then it was...I remember my mom would sit and watch movies after coming home from work...and i'd draw little cards, saying i'm sorry to her. I'd crawl up behind the couch and slide them next to her feet. What was i sorry for? Making her mad. I use to believe that it was my fault. And she believed it was my and my sisters fault.
My mother always said things out anger, whether she means them or not...I always forgave her. Tonight i realize it is apparent that my sister never forgave my mother. I can't recall everything my sister went through but i'm sure my parents were even worse with her than with me.
Highschool was thee most depressing years/ happiest of my life. Weird huh? I use to cut myself...I'd always blame myself for my parents unhappiness. After all the years of emotional abuse, I had come to the conclusion that if i killed myself the world would be a much better place. It makes you think what shit does a person have to be put through in order to get them at this stage. I mean there were plenty of so called "cutters" in high school...and i could agree with a lot of people a lot of them wanted attention. But like most...it was a cry for help. I always thought that was stupid...until i got to that point where I wanted help.
She was my HS best friend, and she will forever have a place in my heart. She literally saved my life. And I literally saved hers. You know how people say when you're feeling like shit about your life, think about how many more people have it worst. This is true. She had it worst. But because of her I knew I could survive the pain to. She had been thru physical abuse, she had seen family/friends die literally infront of her, or found them. I have always looked up to her. And this past year I found out during all that time she was dealing with cancer as well. She's okay now.
My home has always been an unhappy one, but i guess no one's home is perfect. It's just hard after all of the emotional abuse, all of this shit that has gone down...it's hard to walk out...normal...and not fucked up. Back in the beginning of Sept. I was going to permanently leave home for good....because everyone started fighting at home and my mom told me and my sister "Why don't you guys just kill your selves and get it over with." Not only did that hurt, but i was pissed as fuck. She begged me to come back home, I did only because of her health...i knew my dad would give her hell. And i didn't want her having a heartattack. I wish i could blog every detail every event that happened while i was growing up...but there'd be far to many. My mom still doesn't know that I use to cut myself. Infact no one in my family knows...
So now some of you know, My dad is one of the very reasons why I hate cheaters.
I don't tolerate cheaters. FUCK THAT.
Anyways...I just needed to vent. Today was Fuckin' shyt.
Hopefully tomorrow is better.