Saturday Jul 26, 2008

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i'm afraid that vanish was correct. as i study more and more i find myself more and more drawn to that which i study. cognizant yet helpless. is this of what i was so afraid? nothing really matters anymore. time slips by like water through a sieve. i do not really care anymore. why should I?

so go i say. it does not matter anyway.
vanish:
a "no comment" comment? haha

i think you had the answer all along, don't forget to look for the good, the divine, the beauty, in the daily sparks of joy and life all around you smile stay up!

"It was called "The Traitor." It was about the feeling that we have of betraying some mission that we were mandated to fulfill and being unable to fulfill it, and then coming to understand that the real mandate was not to fulfill it, and that the deeper courage was to stand guiltless in the predicament in which you found yourself." - Leonard Cohen
gion11:
i'm on the 'highway to hell' and loving it. I'm a fucking unapologetic bastard. just give me another drink so I can kick you in the head. Demons are real and they are after me. little do they know, i'd welcome them with open arms. they don't need to play hard to get with this gangster.

all i want is somebody to dig the hole for my grave when i die. 36 is too old.

Wednesday Jul 23, 2008

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If you believe that God makes miracles, then you must believe that Satan does also.
vanish:
I would argue Satan makes illusions of miracles at the most...

though honestly i have a deep seeded compassion for the worst of devils, I mean, didn't God create them too? Are they not serving some purpose despite themselves? And after the resurrection won't even the worst have been reborn??

Actually, if you don't mind I'd like to share a poem I wrote about the angel of death, I'll put it in a spoiler, but this is a problem that always grips me. I mean, it's not like evil will just be dissolved and uncreated and forgotten, or will it? But then won't we all go down with it? All are short of the glory of God no? Too many questions!!!! lol. anyway:


SPOILERS! (Click to view)


Angel of Death

This Angel of Death

So dark and pale,

My heart mourned

For the life He never knew.


I held Him in my arms,

Not cold, but nothing;

Light as a feather

Stiff as its quill,

He was dead.


Here I was, in this graveyard

holding Death

Over His own grave,

The only space left;

In this land filled with His work

I wept.


I forgot where I was,

I forgot what I was doing


And I leaned over to kiss His cheek,

This cheek that had never been kissed before.


As my lips neared

I felt a gust of wind:

He was gone!


I opened my dry eyes

To a blooming field of flowers-

His work undone!


In this moment I knew:

An Angel had been reborn.


PS I just wanted to share, thanks. Not fishing for feedback. I always feel guilty pushing poetry on people. And hopefully my lack of knowledge/respect for formalities doesn't bug you too much.




Oh! I have a joke for you, Dr. Evil.

How do you make Holy Water?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)


Boil the hell out of it!!!


hahahaha. i have a bad habit of laughing at my own jokes. have a good one.

Wednesday Jul 23, 2008

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So, a little lady, and you know who you are, made me reflect upon this whole evil - good - human thing. Can I remain good yet study evil? Will my studies eventually seduce me towards evil? The whole world is darkening. The devil is everywhere, and only in such dismal hallows as church does God seem to exist.

Yet I go outside. I walk...
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vanish:
That's a good point, if you look for good you'll find it, if you look for evil you'll find it... maybe that's the answer, make sure you never stop looking for the good, no matter how deep the darkness gets?

On the other hand, I grew up Catholic, and I used to like going to mass, for me it was like a meditation. However, I have a hard time reconciling the fact that such awful things have happened, especially regarding molestation, I can't reconcile that with attending. And ultimately any religion I've ever looked into/participated in has led me away from itself, if that makes any sense. Which seems to me to be the point, not the religion, but God and living?

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Sunday Jul 20, 2008

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the horror. what am i doing? the horrible stuff that i am studying gives me nightmares. i thought that this wouls be an "interesting course of study". it's not. i read the most awful, inhuman acts and then am supposed to assume a scholarly perspective?

I can't do that. I don't know how to do that. Every word I read leaves me speechless inside. I...
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vanish:
Change your life pursuit so that it leads you where you aspire to go.

Saturday Jul 19, 2008

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yeah. so maybe it's my studies, maybe it's reality, maybe I'm slowly going insane meditating on all this horrible nonsense.

Do you know what I see, each day and night? Evil. Fucking terrible, awful, sunny evil. So what do I do? Drink wine, read about the devil and pretend it is all fiction.

I went down to the tenderloin last night around 2:00am. I just...
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Saturday Jul 19, 2008

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For those of you who are not civil war buffs, today is the day that Col. Robert Shaw led the 54th Mass. against the confed fort. Well, they all died. I was born in VA, raised in GA and now live by the bay in SF.

All those poor boys died for nothing. Here's a fun fact. In all the wars of the USA, including...
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Wednesday Jul 16, 2008

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So, I was thinking, is there such a thing as the perfect song? I used to think so. My father first played me Schubert's Ave Maria when I was a kid, and I thought an angel was singing to me. Then it was beautiful, beautiful "Casta Diva" sung by Maria Callas. Then Mozart, oh my Lord in Heaven, Mozart....

Flash forward, I was going down...
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Tuesday Jul 15, 2008

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OK. Alright already. I promise to make a video of one of my songs when I'm not drunk. I know all my youtube posts make me seem like Bukowski on a bad night.

One of these days, I'll sing y'all a song sober and post it here. Stop bothering me.

Tuesday Jul 15, 2008

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lol so I got fired today. what a fucking joke. i can't even hold down a job as a receptionist. I speak 5 languages, someday people will have to call me "Doctor", but I'm not qualified to answer a phone. Maybe I should start another band. At least then I can hear myself on the radio while I'm starving to death.

Sigh. Oh well, at...
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Sunday Jul 13, 2008

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Sooooo......

What do I love about San Francisco?

1. it's not fucking L.A. ( sorry, i have toured extensively, and L.A. to me is fucking hell on earth)
2. it's not fucking L.A. (oops, said that already...)
3. if i walk a mile in any direction, I can get whatever food I want from Himalayan to Gangsta Burrito.
4. my greatest friend lives here. a...
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