I really hate myself right now. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. I know I had good reasons, but I don't remember any of them right now. I hate hurting someone. I would much rather get dumped than do the dumping.
He said he respected the way I did it, that I actually came to see him even though we don't live that close together. I think it's even harder on me then it is on him. We talked on the phone this morning and I couldn't stop crying, he was the one comforting me. And now, every time I think of him I wonder why the hell I did it, and I can't answer that question to myself.
There was nothing wrong with our relationship. He was the best boyfriend I've ever had, but I also knew I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship yet. We've been together for 1 year and almost nine months, and I've lived with him for 1 year, and everything was perfect. But I'm not ready to stop exploring my life yet. Not ready for perfect yet. But I hate that I had to hurt him in that process.
We both knew it was going to end someday, at least it was when I was going to Australia. It just came too soon.
I wish I would've met him 10 years later or something, maybe I would be ready for it by then.
I wish life came with guarantees and that I could see in the future, and know that everything will be allright in the end.
The fact that I fell for someone else is not even important anymore. It may have been the main reason I wanted to break up with him, but it's nothing now. I want to be alone for a while, and not make my life so difficult.
He is still so damn nice to me. He should shout at me, call me a bitch, say that he never wants to see me again. I deserve that. But I know he would never do anything like that. He is truly the nicest person in the world.
He said he respected the way I did it, that I actually came to see him even though we don't live that close together. I think it's even harder on me then it is on him. We talked on the phone this morning and I couldn't stop crying, he was the one comforting me. And now, every time I think of him I wonder why the hell I did it, and I can't answer that question to myself.
There was nothing wrong with our relationship. He was the best boyfriend I've ever had, but I also knew I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship yet. We've been together for 1 year and almost nine months, and I've lived with him for 1 year, and everything was perfect. But I'm not ready to stop exploring my life yet. Not ready for perfect yet. But I hate that I had to hurt him in that process.
We both knew it was going to end someday, at least it was when I was going to Australia. It just came too soon.
I wish I would've met him 10 years later or something, maybe I would be ready for it by then.
I wish life came with guarantees and that I could see in the future, and know that everything will be allright in the end.
The fact that I fell for someone else is not even important anymore. It may have been the main reason I wanted to break up with him, but it's nothing now. I want to be alone for a while, and not make my life so difficult.
He is still so damn nice to me. He should shout at me, call me a bitch, say that he never wants to see me again. I deserve that. But I know he would never do anything like that. He is truly the nicest person in the world.
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noahmack:
I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling right now. I was just reading one of your stories and I thought I would stop by and tell you that I liked it, but when I got here and started reading this blog, I started feelin really sad. You really did the right thing in this situation, as hard and awful as it is. I wish, too, that life came with guarantees. Your ex really is an understanding dude, but you are being too hard on yourself. Once again, I think you did the right thing and I only wish that some of us others (myself especially) were as mature and had as much sense as you do. Good luck to you hun, and I truly hope that Australia will be everything you want it to be.
noahmack:
The story I read was childhood friends. I'll be sure to read the rest of your stories tonight though. I'm doin alright. Life in the desert isn't great, but it could be much worse and my job could be a lot more boring than it is too I guess. I'm glad to hear that you're feelin better hun. I hope things continue down that path for you.