Wednesday Dec 01, 2004

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it's midnight. everyone else in my house is asleep. this is when thoughts come in and slowly kill me.

i think about how my relationship isn't going great, how i am feeling unattractive, how i don't really have any close friends, howi can only have fun when i am drinking, how i am going to be a total failure in life, how i haven't paid my bills, how i have so much work to do, and how i just want to cry my fucking eyes out.

but i keep myself from doing that. because i know it will get better. because i know in the morning it won't seem so bad. at least until later that night.

sometimes i just want to give up... but i don't want to die this out of shape.
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joscelyne:
I know this doesn't make anything better, but I thought I could sympathize because I can't go out with the usual crowd of friends and be social unless I have a drink. It's already a problem in itself because it's caused me to not go out as much.

It's hard but I just keep reminding myself that it will get better. Somehow.
muller:
If I may,

You are more than just attractive. To be honest, I had a crush on you from the first time we met at Tuffy's for the x-mas party.
As for the fun part, maybe the people you've been hanging out with don't have a creative side that wants to create something, even if it's memories. I'm a huge fan of alcohol, but there are so many more fun things to do to tickle your head.
You might try going to meet people at places that really interest you. The museum of modern art in Santa Barbara has always been a place that I like to visit when in town. Or a venue where music you like is playing. Anything to find people of similar interest.
Even though i'm not an artist, I used to paint a painting without any plan, and then sit back and ponder over it for an hour or so wondering where those ideas came from and tracing them back to pieces of my personality. May seem a little weird, but it was very educational for me.

Crying your eyes out is actually fairly cathartic. Embrace the feelings you feel. I think those are the most honest times in a persons life.

sorry if I bummed you out at all with this rant.

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