gieshab

dreams have been dry, like a bad thanksgiving turkey. recolection has been even weaker. the boy has haunted them lately. i never really had dreams about him...but hes haunting my conscious thoughts in the day. why shouldn't he be hauting my unconscious in sleep. i miss him. my heart cries for his presence. his silly repeteur, his daft jokes and random thoughts, his infectious laugh over things that aren't funny, and some that are. i wonder what hes doing right now, if hes thinking about me, if he DOES think about me, if my picture is still on his wall, or my things are still laying around his room, or our torn up picture is still littered on the floor of his garage. i wonder if well ever talk again, or see each other. i wonder if well be together again someday. i wonder if he hates me, or misses me, or both. i wonder if he wishes it could be different, as i do. i wonder if hes thinking about what he did, or what i did. I wonder if hes with a girl right now. maybe someone has taken my place..will someone ever take my place? will he love someone more than he ever loved me? I fear this. i hate it. i wonder if hes reading this right now. i wonder if he accepts any responsibility for the problems we had. i wonder if hes snuggling my pennywise right now. i wonder if hes thinking about me in his drunken thoughts, or when he hears a song i used to sing. i wonder if he sits and thinks about silly times weve had...like the time we dropped at angels, and floored in her bedroom, falling slowly to his knees and then on to his stomach when the drugs kicked in. or the first time we said i love you.
he never had to fear a cold shoulder from me...but i was constantly in fear of his icey retreats. i was so quick to forgive, and he so quick to blame and untrust. its a shame. i never cheated. not once. but he treated me as if i had over and over. i wish things could be different. i wish i could go back and do things over. i guess this is all part of the healing process. closure i suppose. its what i need. but i love him. i cannot deny.

If only it were different...all thats left now is the black blue battle wound of our separation.