Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I am the original April Fool! Among this year's highlights:
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Hardee's drive-thru attendant: Hi, Welcome to Hardee's. May I take your order?
Me (As "Macho Man" Randy Savage): Ooh, yeeah!
Hardee's: Excuse me?
Me: That new burger with the mushrooms and swiss cheese looks mighty tasty! The Macho Man wants to snap into it!
Hardee's: You mean the Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger?
Me: Ooh, yeeah!
(At this point, employees are starting to come to the window and look out to figure out just who this nut in the drive-thru really is.)
Hardee's: And would you like this in a combo, sir?
Me: No! The Macho Man brings his own EXTRE-E-EME soda, brother!
Hardee's: (Laughter in the background) Would you mind repeating that order, sir?
Me: The Macho Man wants to lay the smack down on a tasty Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger from Hardee's! Oooh, yeeah!
Hardee's: (Laughter continues) That'll be $3.17, sir. Please pull around to the first window.
(Pull around)
Hardee's: (amused smiles all around) $3.17, sir.
Me: The Macho Man always carries exact change!
Hardee's: (Trying to keep a straight face and not doing a very good job) Here's your meal, sir. Enjoy!
Me: Thank you. Brother!
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Tyler from Strobel Tire in Summerville (on phone): Strobel Tire.
Me (As Dennis Strobel): Hey, Tyler. Has Vincent left yet?
Tyler: Umm...no sir. He hasn't shown up yet.
Me: Great. Listen, I just got off the phone with Tim in Barnwell, and he's needing twenty-four of those PS530 11-24.5's to go on that truck whenever it gets there.
Tyler: (clicking on the computer keyboard) Umm...we don't have 24 of those, sir.
Me: What do you mean, you don't have them? You just did inventory, didn't you?
Tyler: Uh, yes sir...but the computer is only showing that we have 16.
Me: What kinda shop you running, son? Tim says y'all have 24, he needs all 24, and by God, there better BE 24 of them on that truck when it pulls out of that warehouse! Understand?
Tyler: Umm...
Me: (mockingly) Umm, umm. Tighten your ass up, boy! You know how big a sale this is? You'd better get back in that warehouse and tell me EXACTLY how many of those tires you got!
Tyler: Yes sir! Be right back...
(long pause)
Tyler: Umm, I'm back here in the warehouse now, and I'm only counting sixteen.
Me: What the hell happened to the other eight? You sell 'em or something?
Tyler: Umm, I didn't, but we might have. Let me go see...
(Another long pause)
Tyler: Hey! Dennis Strobel just walked back in the door. Who the hell is this?
___
Mom (on phone): Hello?
Me: Hey Mom, how ya doin'?
Mom: Pretty good...what's up?
Me: Umm...I hate to tell you this, but I think you're going to have to come get me from work. I didn't want to tell Dad because I don't want to get him all upset...
Mom: Why?
Me: Well, you know that leak in the transmission of that truck? Well, things were slow this afternoon, so I had 'em put it up on the rack to check it out, and....umm, it's got bigger problems than that.
Mom: What all's wrong?
Me: Ummm...well, here, let me put Dave on the phone. He can explain it better than I can.
Dave: Yes ma'am. Well, for one thing, the muffler bearings on that truck are all wore out. I mean, it's like they aren't even there anymore! He's lucky that truck even got him to work today. Yes ma'am. Well, there are six of 'em on there, and they ain't easy to fix. They cost about a hundred dollars a piece. Yes ma'am. Yeah, and your headlight fluid is low too.
(passes phone back)
Mom: Whoo! Sounds like we just need to get rid of that truck.
Me: Yes ma'am, that's just what I was thinking.
Mom: So you need me to come get you?
Me: Yes ma'am, if you wouldn't mind. It's been quite a day...
Mom: I reckon so!
Me: Oh, yeah. Oh, by the way, what IS today, anyways?
(Pause for dramatic effect)
Dave and I together: APRIL FOOL!
___
Hardee's drive-thru attendant: Hi, Welcome to Hardee's. May I take your order?
Me (As "Macho Man" Randy Savage): Ooh, yeeah!
Hardee's: Excuse me?
Me: That new burger with the mushrooms and swiss cheese looks mighty tasty! The Macho Man wants to snap into it!
Hardee's: You mean the Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger?
Me: Ooh, yeeah!
(At this point, employees are starting to come to the window and look out to figure out just who this nut in the drive-thru really is.)
Hardee's: And would you like this in a combo, sir?
Me: No! The Macho Man brings his own EXTRE-E-EME soda, brother!
Hardee's: (Laughter in the background) Would you mind repeating that order, sir?
Me: The Macho Man wants to lay the smack down on a tasty Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger from Hardee's! Oooh, yeeah!
Hardee's: (Laughter continues) That'll be $3.17, sir. Please pull around to the first window.
(Pull around)
Hardee's: (amused smiles all around) $3.17, sir.
Me: The Macho Man always carries exact change!
Hardee's: (Trying to keep a straight face and not doing a very good job) Here's your meal, sir. Enjoy!
Me: Thank you. Brother!
____
Tyler from Strobel Tire in Summerville (on phone): Strobel Tire.
Me (As Dennis Strobel): Hey, Tyler. Has Vincent left yet?
Tyler: Umm...no sir. He hasn't shown up yet.
Me: Great. Listen, I just got off the phone with Tim in Barnwell, and he's needing twenty-four of those PS530 11-24.5's to go on that truck whenever it gets there.
Tyler: (clicking on the computer keyboard) Umm...we don't have 24 of those, sir.
Me: What do you mean, you don't have them? You just did inventory, didn't you?
Tyler: Uh, yes sir...but the computer is only showing that we have 16.
Me: What kinda shop you running, son? Tim says y'all have 24, he needs all 24, and by God, there better BE 24 of them on that truck when it pulls out of that warehouse! Understand?
Tyler: Umm...
Me: (mockingly) Umm, umm. Tighten your ass up, boy! You know how big a sale this is? You'd better get back in that warehouse and tell me EXACTLY how many of those tires you got!
Tyler: Yes sir! Be right back...
(long pause)
Tyler: Umm, I'm back here in the warehouse now, and I'm only counting sixteen.
Me: What the hell happened to the other eight? You sell 'em or something?
Tyler: Umm, I didn't, but we might have. Let me go see...
(Another long pause)
Tyler: Hey! Dennis Strobel just walked back in the door. Who the hell is this?
___
Mom (on phone): Hello?
Me: Hey Mom, how ya doin'?
Mom: Pretty good...what's up?
Me: Umm...I hate to tell you this, but I think you're going to have to come get me from work. I didn't want to tell Dad because I don't want to get him all upset...
Mom: Why?
Me: Well, you know that leak in the transmission of that truck? Well, things were slow this afternoon, so I had 'em put it up on the rack to check it out, and....umm, it's got bigger problems than that.
Mom: What all's wrong?
Me: Ummm...well, here, let me put Dave on the phone. He can explain it better than I can.
Dave: Yes ma'am. Well, for one thing, the muffler bearings on that truck are all wore out. I mean, it's like they aren't even there anymore! He's lucky that truck even got him to work today. Yes ma'am. Well, there are six of 'em on there, and they ain't easy to fix. They cost about a hundred dollars a piece. Yes ma'am. Yeah, and your headlight fluid is low too.
(passes phone back)
Mom: Whoo! Sounds like we just need to get rid of that truck.
Me: Yes ma'am, that's just what I was thinking.
Mom: So you need me to come get you?
Me: Yes ma'am, if you wouldn't mind. It's been quite a day...
Mom: I reckon so!
Me: Oh, yeah. Oh, by the way, what IS today, anyways?
(Pause for dramatic effect)
Dave and I together: APRIL FOOL!