ghostina

and i'm jealous of your memories, your black and
white photographs.
I long to be one of the girls in your album, on
your wall. forever sealed in your heart and mind.
when i sit alone in bed,
in class, insomnia --
why is it you YOU YOU?
why does it hurt so fucking bad, but at the same time know that I could not live any other way
and remain whole.
I finally feel something other than boredom at my
everyday life.
Reality sinks in eventually
for you could never
love me, like me, hold me.
Ironically i'm always early for every event in my life,
but for this one...
i was four years too late.

just some old depressing writing of mine. i'm feeling rather sentimental today. i suppose it's because i'm feeling pretty hopeless and alone.
i jinxed myself once again out of a job. i thought about it way too much, stayed up all night thinking about how cool it would be...
i should have known.
no call back for christina.
*sigh* i'll just be a goddamned waitress. (no offense anyone)

so i'll just continue in my banal existense. smoking my cheap cigarettes and drinking my fake diet coke.
fuck i need a real drink! gimme some gin...

i think cigarettes are the one true happiness i have right now...no matter what, if i have cigarettes, the world just seems okay. when i run out, or low on money, the only thing i can think about is a way to get more. it's an evil thing when you think about the control it has on your life...
but at the same time, my submissive nature loves being completely helpless to something or someone. when i'm not in control of something, and then it fucks up, i am not to blame.