ghettoblaster

It's been nine days since I've eaten. I'm actually hungry. But I don't want to eat. I'm dropping weight like a bad habit. What goes in my mouth is about all I can control these days, Lord knows I never could control what was coming out of it. I still haven't really eaten, although for the past couple of days I have had a bannana, 16oz of milk with two scoops of whey protien, and 8oz of OJ a day. Plus tons of water a multi vitamin that makes my pee neon green.

I feel guilt, and shame. But mostly regret. I wish I could be happy for her, but is hurting me far too bad. He's gonna fuck her over, I can feel it. But by then it will be too late for us. Even If I could forgive her, she'd never forgive herself.

I have no idea whats going on with the day to day. I have no idea where I'll be living in a week. I'm so scared to come home and have the house cleaned out, my dog gone, and the utilities off.

I have to comment that I think its waaaay fucked up he hasn't mentioned her in his journal or posts. She isn't his crush either. Sounds like a guy hiding who he likes as to not turn off other girls to me. Me, I would fly a banner proclaiming my love for Brenda! I'm very suspicious of him. But fuck it he could be fucking a bunch of other girls and she'd never know because he lives so far away and travel for his job.

I'm cold. I hate waiting on her to dissapoint me by not calling back or coming over when she says shes going to. I only pray that at least this is hard for her to do. The one thing I refuse to be is disposable.

My heart has been dragged through broken glass too many times. I don't think I can love again. I don't want to move on or get better. I'm done doing that. My love will die with Brenda. I knew she'd be the last person I'd love. I just didn't think like this.

I'm cold, I'm tired. Deeply exhausted, tired to the bone.

Maybe its time to add a new beautiful angel to my other arm. The two who would tear me asunder.