genetic_freeman

Warning, I'm in one of THOSE moods.

Granted, today wasn't all bad, it was my brothers birthday and we went to Medieval Times. And our knight won. And work didn't call me so I'm assuming Doug did infact take my shift and there were no problems. So that went well.

But I'm also gaining too much weight back. I've worked so hard to lose this weight and now it's starting to come back. I know with my view of my body and how much I hate it I could lose weight until I'm nothing and I'd still think I'm disgustingly fat but it's still bothering me. So much. I think I'm gonna famine again tomorrow.

Now that school's out I have very little to occupy my time. I don't like having free time to think. I don't want to have to think. I just want to go.

I don't have many people to taslk to anymore now that Jen hates me and everyone else has their shit to work out. I've been so bored and lonely today that I actually sat here and stared at nothing happening on my computer for so long that the screen saver kept turning on. But I kept staring. I watched Forrest Gump too and I'm not afraid to admit that it chokes me up and my eyes get a little watery after watching it.

I went and laid out on my lawn for a while. Ever do something that seems somehow significant or enlightening when really it wasn't anything at all? Perception is fucked like that.

I'm missing that person in my life that I can listen to and have them release to me. You'd think that I'd want someone to listen to me, nah. I know I have jack-shit to say about anything important and any issues I have are so far gone that I'm too fucked up to be helped now. So, I'd rather have that person I can sit with and listen to and connect with and understand. I'd like to feel like I am trusted and needed. But right now I don't even have people who talk to me in regular social ways. Hence why I have so much time to type this much about shit that I shouldn't have the time to think so much about.

I'm thinking of selling a bunch of my things to pay for a new bass... I have the time... maybe I'll do that next week. I'll do it one day on a weekday to get some of the school kids attention. They'd buy my crap. I think I'll try to sell my Playstation and my Atari Flashback system and maybe some of my older music shit. Oh, and I should sell my textbooks...

Anyway... this is too much stuff to type since it'll just go unnoticed anyway.

Update: I talked to Carolyn tonight. She always makes me feel a little better. She's one of those few people I can really connect with. I miss seeing her as often as I did. But she just got back into town so maybe I'll see her soon.