I enjoyed this very much. I found it on somethingawful.com.
"Avenged Sevenfold
Seriously, I cant fathom these morons. They all have bitchin metal names like Synyster Gates and Zacky Vengeance and Bozo McMetal, they dress like a cross between garish metalcore clowns and hair-metal revivalists, and their signature sound seems to involve dual-guitar shred solos that are so toneless and compressed that they sound like theyre being playing on MIDI keyboards (these solos impress their idiot fans to no end, since the concept of counterpoint is an almost mystical revelation to people who have never heard anything approaching actual music before). In each of their videos, theres bound to be a climactic moment when the two chickenhead lead guitarists situate themselves back-to-back and engage in a healthy round of homoerotic guitar horseplay while the singer flashes his mouthful of metal and some stripper they got from a Myspace casting call slinks by suggestively.
Apparently, they think theyre a serious metal band.
Ho ho! I saw these utterly loathsome painted-up titties complaining to the media about being on Total Request Live and in teeny magazines next to Aaron Carter and shit like that. Oh no, their Serious Badass Heavy Metal-lovin fans might feel alienated because a bunch of idiot kids love a band tarted up with heavy eyeliner and teased hair and painted nails and big ol platinum fucking grillz in their teeth. Guess what, Avenged Sevenfold: Warner Brothers wouldnt touch you with a ten-foot pole if they didnt think they could sell you to idiot kids. Youre custom designed to be sold to idiot kids. Idiot kids are your bread and goddamn butter, Avenged Sevenfold, so youd better get on your knees and thank Pussy Satan or whoever the fuck you worship (I wouldnt be surprised if it was Jesus; thats how lame you are) that idiot kids are willing to give you the time of day.
As for anyone who is male and over the age of fourteen who listens to these guys: what? Is there some kind of excuse? Did rock and roll kill your parents when you were a kid and you swore to get revenge by desecrating its memory? Are you writing a dissertation on the sexual dynamics of guitar solos? Even fratboy Bro-Magnons in pink polo shirts with popped collars wouldnt be caught dead listening to this shit, and theyll listen to anything, as long as itll get them laid via Myspace.
Whew. Any for any 14-year-old girls who love Avenged Sevenfold who might be reading this: its not too late. You have until the age of seventeen to start liking real music, but after that youre pretty much doomed to liking awful shit for the rest of your life, so straighten up now or youll eventually become a pregnant stripper, and youd better hope against hope that Myspace is still around then so you can find a dad for your little sack of crap. "
They're one of the few bands that I despise. So I rather enjoyed that.
"Avenged Sevenfold
Seriously, I cant fathom these morons. They all have bitchin metal names like Synyster Gates and Zacky Vengeance and Bozo McMetal, they dress like a cross between garish metalcore clowns and hair-metal revivalists, and their signature sound seems to involve dual-guitar shred solos that are so toneless and compressed that they sound like theyre being playing on MIDI keyboards (these solos impress their idiot fans to no end, since the concept of counterpoint is an almost mystical revelation to people who have never heard anything approaching actual music before). In each of their videos, theres bound to be a climactic moment when the two chickenhead lead guitarists situate themselves back-to-back and engage in a healthy round of homoerotic guitar horseplay while the singer flashes his mouthful of metal and some stripper they got from a Myspace casting call slinks by suggestively.
Apparently, they think theyre a serious metal band.
Ho ho! I saw these utterly loathsome painted-up titties complaining to the media about being on Total Request Live and in teeny magazines next to Aaron Carter and shit like that. Oh no, their Serious Badass Heavy Metal-lovin fans might feel alienated because a bunch of idiot kids love a band tarted up with heavy eyeliner and teased hair and painted nails and big ol platinum fucking grillz in their teeth. Guess what, Avenged Sevenfold: Warner Brothers wouldnt touch you with a ten-foot pole if they didnt think they could sell you to idiot kids. Youre custom designed to be sold to idiot kids. Idiot kids are your bread and goddamn butter, Avenged Sevenfold, so youd better get on your knees and thank Pussy Satan or whoever the fuck you worship (I wouldnt be surprised if it was Jesus; thats how lame you are) that idiot kids are willing to give you the time of day.
As for anyone who is male and over the age of fourteen who listens to these guys: what? Is there some kind of excuse? Did rock and roll kill your parents when you were a kid and you swore to get revenge by desecrating its memory? Are you writing a dissertation on the sexual dynamics of guitar solos? Even fratboy Bro-Magnons in pink polo shirts with popped collars wouldnt be caught dead listening to this shit, and theyll listen to anything, as long as itll get them laid via Myspace.
Whew. Any for any 14-year-old girls who love Avenged Sevenfold who might be reading this: its not too late. You have until the age of seventeen to start liking real music, but after that youre pretty much doomed to liking awful shit for the rest of your life, so straighten up now or youll eventually become a pregnant stripper, and youd better hope against hope that Myspace is still around then so you can find a dad for your little sack of crap. "
They're one of the few bands that I despise. So I rather enjoyed that.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
glamour:
lol sure.. add me 2 aim
0rigin:
a7x was just burninated