genericname

Damn man they seriously shouldent of given me a journal option haha! I am ADDICTED to writing in journals... and i DEFINATLY write waaaaay too much when i do.... (not expecting that anyone would read them but...) i guess its just nice to vent or ...just type stuff out even if it is to myself.
I guess now im just feeling sort of blah.... ive been meditating alot to help me stay cool and it makes me happy but... im still upset in some ways.
I have given up some chances to just have sex with girls even though i want it sooooo badly. It just sorta feels empty after im done if i dont care bout them or there isnt anything beyond simply screwing around involved...
No one, male nor female seems to share this philosophy with me... some applaud me for having this veiw, others make fun of me and think im foolish for giving up chances for sex.
It just does not feel like... "me" is all... do i wish i could be a complete jerk and approach women and feed them every lil lie and manipulation just to get laid and NOT feel bad about it later? YES! but i just cant be, i cant change who i am even if the asshole way seems easier. (or is easier for that matter)
Im not some amazingly attractive guy, i dont approach women, and i meditate just to calm down on my pessimism... so it sorta strains on me a bit when i think of those things, and how much they are going to affect me getting involved physically whatsoever ontop of my moral predicament heh.
Hmm i think ill stop there... yeah.. thats about enough writing although i could just go on forever