WARNING* angst abounds!
things between my mom and i have become even more strained in recent months, if that's possible. i don't have the patience for her anymore, i guess. she's just so needy. i'd hoped having a huge geographical separation would alleviate some of the tension. i yearn to break free of her entirely. when we talked i mentioned some dig my uncle had made at me about my lack of contact-i replied that not having relationships with your parents makes it difficult to have them with anyone.
she asked me what she could do on her end to improve relations. i don't have an answer for her-i don't if there is anything to be done, and that makes me sad.
i have plans that don't really involve anyone else, and i want to use my time away at school just for me. i want to focus completely on myself and what i need to do and who i want to be and making a future.
everyone else seems capable of letting me do my own thing; they seem to understand that i need time JUST FOR ME, that i've spent my whole life taking care of someone else.
she won't be able to leave me alone and let me do this. there's always some crisis that needs tending to and she isn't able to handle it alone.
i feel incredibly selfish thinking this way, like i'm martyring myself on my pity pot.
it is what it is.
i love my family and friends impossibly much, but i want to do this right. i feel like i'm only getting one chance at making my life the way that i want it, and i can't let anything screw it up.
Noah, of course, is the exception to this.
however, there are things at play that may not allow him to be in LA with me, and i just have to accept that and keep going. he needs to be happy as well, and only he truly knows what he needs to do.
que sera sera.
i realized that i almost exclusively have the hots for videogame/cartoon characters. strange.
things between my mom and i have become even more strained in recent months, if that's possible. i don't have the patience for her anymore, i guess. she's just so needy. i'd hoped having a huge geographical separation would alleviate some of the tension. i yearn to break free of her entirely. when we talked i mentioned some dig my uncle had made at me about my lack of contact-i replied that not having relationships with your parents makes it difficult to have them with anyone.
she asked me what she could do on her end to improve relations. i don't have an answer for her-i don't if there is anything to be done, and that makes me sad.
i have plans that don't really involve anyone else, and i want to use my time away at school just for me. i want to focus completely on myself and what i need to do and who i want to be and making a future.
everyone else seems capable of letting me do my own thing; they seem to understand that i need time JUST FOR ME, that i've spent my whole life taking care of someone else.
she won't be able to leave me alone and let me do this. there's always some crisis that needs tending to and she isn't able to handle it alone.
i feel incredibly selfish thinking this way, like i'm martyring myself on my pity pot.
it is what it is.
i love my family and friends impossibly much, but i want to do this right. i feel like i'm only getting one chance at making my life the way that i want it, and i can't let anything screw it up.
Noah, of course, is the exception to this.
however, there are things at play that may not allow him to be in LA with me, and i just have to accept that and keep going. he needs to be happy as well, and only he truly knows what he needs to do.
que sera sera.
i realized that i almost exclusively have the hots for videogame/cartoon characters. strange.
Good luck with mom too.